Is your child asking questions about their toxic parent?
At some point, they will start to recognize bad behavior, even if they don’t fully understand what it means.
Explaining it is tough because, on one hand, you want to be honest with your child, but on the other hand, you don’t want to bad mouth your ex.
But ultimately, your child needs to understand the situation.
They need to understand why their other parent treats them the way they do.
I remember how hard it was to explain my ex’s behaviors to my daughter.
She figured out quite a bit on her own, but there were times when I was asked:
“Does Daddy love me?”
Ouch. How do you answer that when you know the answer sucks?
There are ways you can approach questions that don’t spill the ugly side of narcissism but also don’t sugarcoat the situation.
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Nurturing Open Communication
Talking to your child about their toxic or narcissistic parent is never easy.
So it’s important to approach the conversation with consideration and care.
By doing so, you can establish a foundation of trust and understanding and support your child as they figure out how to deal with having a toxic parent.
Open Communication & Exploration
When having a conversation with your child about their toxic parent, start by creating a safe and comforting environment.
This means having these discussions somewhere your child feels safe and relaxed.
And the most important thing is to encourage openness and honesty without judgment.
As the kids are saying these days: We listen, we don’t judge.
Let your child talk and ask clarifying questions to help them explore what they are trying to say.
For example:
“Daddy doesn’t love me.”
“Why do you feel that way? Did something happen?”
Instead of:
“Daddy doesn’t love.”
“Of course he does. Don’t say things like that.”
Sometimes just letting your child talk or vent is enough to help them sort through their feelings and confusion.
However, if a pattern emerges, it may be time to have some deeper talks.
Validating Their Emotions
Validating your child’s emotions is a huge step in helping them understand and process them.
Again, never dismiss or downplay how they feel, or try to guide them to feeling a certain way (even if it’s unintentional).
For example:
“Mom took my game away.”
“Doesn’t that make you mad?”
Instead:
“Mom took my game away.”
“I bet that made you mad. Why did she do that?”
Giving your child a name for their feelings helps them build emotional intelligence and helps them understand that it’s okay to have a range of emotions.
It also helps them feel heard and acknowledged, which they are probably not getting from their toxic parent.
I know it sounds like we’re just talking about feelings and situations, but this is the foundation to having those difficult and deeper conversations about how their other parent behaves.
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Age-Appropriate Explanations
Okay, so here’s where we actually start talking about the other parent.
Exploring how your child feels and why is going to help you determine if this conversation is actually necessary.
For example, maybe your child is just pissed off they had their game taken away. And maybe it’s because they broke a rule.
But when you notice a pattern of treatment that doesn’t seem right or fair, it’s likely a toxic environment.
And talking to your child about why their other parent does the things they do can help your child feel less responsible for the treatment they receive.
(Which is sad that they feel this way, but that’s the reality of manipulative behavior.)
Anyway, if you do feel the need to talk to your child about their toxic parent, please keep their age in mind.
Younger children need more simplified explanation while teens can handle a bit more detail.
Here are some examples:
Explanations for Younger Children
A simplified explanation is all about being clear and concise without getting into dirty details or complex psychological concepts.
Let’s say your little one asks: “Why is Daddy mean to me?”
A simple explanation can look like:
“Sometimes people are mean to other people and it’s not the other person’s fault. If Daddy is mean to you, it’s not because you did anything wrong. He might be angry at something else and doesn’t know what to do with it. It’s not fair to you and I can see how that would make you sad.”
And always follow up with an affirmation that your child is loved and safe: “But I love you tons and I’m here whenever you feel sad.”
It sucks because we can’t stop the other parent from being mean, or unfair, or manipulative.
But we can help our children understand that it’s not their fault.
This helps build resilience.
Explanations for Older Kids
With older children, you can introduce more nuanced explanations.
Just remember that this isn’t about dirty details or badmouthing.
You can use relatable examples to help them understand the behavior patterns of their toxic parent.
For instance, you can tell them that their other parent’s behavior could be because they have unresolved issues or emotional struggles.
Again, reinforcing the idea that your child is not at fault and doesn’t deserve the treatment they receive.
Here’s an example:
“Dad hates me. He treats me like crap.”
“I hate that he does that because you don’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because he has a hard time controlling his feelings, but I don’t know for sure. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it also doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.”
Do You Need to Explain Narcissism?
So we’ve talked about how to build the foundation of open communication and how to approach concerns in an age-appropriate way.
But do you need to talk to them about narcissism?
I don’t think so.
As a parent, understanding narcissism and its effects on your child is valuable when it comes to protecting and supporting them.
But I don’t think they need to know what narcissism is in order to make sense of their toxic parent.
I’m not saying that you should prevent them from learning about it, just that it’s not a term or idea that needs to come into the conversation.
You can, however, use your understanding of narcissim to help them, especially when it comes to explaining their toxic parent’s behavior.
Here are some common narcissistic behaviors and how you can explain them to your child:
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a super common narcissistic behavior that involves twisting the truth and telling lies to make the other person question their own memories and feelings.
For a child, they may feel like they are always wrong, or that that they can’t trust what they heard, saw, or felt.
That can be really confusing and scary.
They may say something like:
“Dad said that didn’t happen.”
“Mom told me I shouldn’t be sad.”
How to explain:
“Sometimes people tell us things didn’t happen when they really did to make themselves feel better. That can be really confusing, but your memories and feelings are real and it’s okay to trust them.”
Emotional Manipulation
Emotional manipulation happens when a narcissist uses guilt, shame, or fear to get someone to act a certain way or meet their emotional needs.
This can make a child feel like they have to take care of their parent’s feelings or they’ll get in trouble or be rejected.
A child might express this like:
“If I don’t do what Mom wants, she cries.”
“I’m scared to say anything because Dad might get mad.”
How to explain:
“Sometimes grown-ups have a hard time handling their own feelings, so they try to put them on other people. That’s not okay or fair. Their feelings are not your job or your fault.”
Control and Intrusion
Control and intrusion happens when a narcissist tries to control someone’s thoughts and choices, often invading their privacy or independence.
A child in this situation can feel smothered, like they’re not allowed to be their own person or make their own decisions.
They may say things like:
“Dad’s always checking my phone.”
“I have to ask Mom for permission before I do anything.”
How to explain:
“Some parents get scared when their kids grow or think for themselves. But it’s okay to be your own, even if they don’t like it. You’re allowed to have your own thoughts.”
Inconsistent Parenting
Narcissists usually have inconsistent parenting styles, meaning that their behaviors, rules, and even moods change a lot.
This can make life unpredictable for a child, causing them to feel like they have to tiptoe around their other parent.
They may say things like:
“Sometimes Dad is nice but sometimes he yells for no reason.”
“I don’t know what makes Mom mad.”
How to explain:
“I know it’s confusing for you, but it’s not your fault. Maybe they’re acting based on how they feel, not what’s fair. Sometimes people get so focused on their own feelings that they forget how to treat other people.”
Talking To Your Child About Their Toxic Parent – You Got This!
Talking to your child about their toxic parent is difficult, but it’s an important step in supporting their emotional well-being.
It helps them make sense of a challenging situation and understand that none of it is their fault.
Which should be the main focus of any explanation – we can’t say for sure why their other parent does what they do, but we know it’s not the child’s fault.
The world is full of unfairness, but it sucks that a kid has to put up with it from their parent.
By listening to them, validating them, and help them understand, you are helping your child build resilience.
And you’re giving them the safety and love they deserve. <3
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Great advices!
Thank you. I’ve been searching for help on this subject. Really helpful. Do you have any input on helping boys of narcissistic mothers?
I can’t speak much on the topic of raising boys (since I only have a daughter) but I can imagine that boys dealing with narcissistic abuse may be more likely to internalize the pain than girls. I would really focus on creating a safe space for him to open up about the way he feels by listening and validating his emotions.
I have a 5 year old son. His father just accepted an 8 year plea deal for an aggravated assault on me. He’s heard and seen too much and often questions “why does daddy act so mean?” I have him in therapy to work out his feelings. He shuts down pretty easily because he is so afraid of being a disappointment. His dad manipulated him to keep secrets by buying gifts. He intimidated him with his size and rage. Called him a mama’s boy and a cry baby if he cried even a little. He has been having nightmares of a “monster” breaking in the house and taking him away. So, yes, I agree that boys seem to internalize a lot more and need help to learn expressing their feelings.
Your poor little guy 🙁 I’m glad you’ve taken the steps to get him into therapy. I know it is extremely difficult now, but you are raising a strong, emotionally-healthy boy by addressing the issues that most would sweep under the rug. He is going to develop resilience and learn how to treat other people right – both men and women. I know it sucks that you can’t control how his father treats him but you have obviously taken control of how you are parenting him and, even if the narc doesn’t realize it, that’s a huge power move on your part. Thanks for your comment <3
I dunno Im so lost.. My 5 kids are dealing with the names..and all kinds of stuff.
My kiddos have left home now, my baby is 20. My husband and I are separated. Looking back and at the time, I just thought he was strict (I felt like that’s how he is and I could live with that.)
I can see more clearly now. And feel so bad for them to know that their father is an a$$, yet they still try to please him! A wasted life-long pursuit, if you ask me.
My concern is is, how to talk about this to young adults. My 3 kids and I have never spoken about his toxic ways. Only they vent about his “jerk-ish” ways. His father is a classic narcissist, but I believe my husband is not, just toxic, displaying rains of one. Any tips/thoughts/advice on talking about this with young adult children?
At this point, there is probably little you can say to change the way your kids view their father. They’re going to have to discover his toxicity on their own. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t support your children! Be the safe place they can go to when they need help and support. Where you see their father putting them down, lift them up. Parenting with a toxic person, whether your children are grown or not, involves a lot of damage control and damage prevention by focusing on your own parenting skills.
Thank you for this article. My seven year old daughter is currently navigating to rough waters in dealing with her Narcissist Father. I love that you mentioned it is important for the other parent to keep their feelings out of the equation, and focus on the child’s feelings first. My daughter often says, “I don’t love Daddy, he is so mean.” Any advice on how I should respond to those statements?
Omg, my daughter is the same age and says the exact same thing sometimes! While I don’t want to sugarcoat the situation for her, I help her focus on the “nice” things her father has said or done. I also tell her that her daddy loves her, just in a different way – and that he will always love himself first. If these sorts of statements don’t change her opinion of her father, there’s really nothing you can do. He is behaving in a way that is negatively framing his relationship with his daughter and it will bite him the ass one day – you just have to mitigate her struggles in the meantime. Try to have as much of a positive attitude toward her father as you can and continue to support and validate her emotions.
How to explain to my children ( 8 and 5 ) why their grandma isn’t coming anymore for visits ? My husband and I had to exclude her from our lives due to her extreme narcissistic behavior . Thank you for your input
Congratulations on establishing firm and difficult boundaries for the sake of your children! 🙂 That’s a really tough thing to do. As far as explaining it to them, you need to be honest without going into the gory details. They’re going to feel “unloved” by their grandmother to a certain degree because we all expect our grandmothers to love us. However, they need to understand the importance of avoiding toxic people and it’s okay to tell them that grandma’s behaviors are hurtful because she loves herself more than anyone else. Explain it in a way so that they don’t feel at fault or blame themselves for their grandmother’s absence.
After 6 years of living hell, I finally had the strength to leave my narcissistic, sociopathic husband.
After 4 years fighting and üs winning every court – we’re still nowhere.
I was 6 month pregnant with our second son when he attacked me out of the blue for the first time physically – Sam 3years old had to watch it.
After he attacked me while holding our 3rd son Lee 6months in my arms and in front of Sam 6 and Tom 3, I knew that I must act. Act to protect our boys, to show them that this is not how love and family should be. To give them the chances to be good people, even if it meant to break up this family.
Still 4 years down I’m certain that I made the right choice to leave. I’ve hurt my boys with the decisions I made, but it was the only way to keep them safe. To give them the chance to be a self loving and a free adult.
And all I have to do now, is keeping the monster of hurting them from far away
Dealing with a narcissist is a step-by-step process and you have definitely conquered one of the hardest steps by leaving your ex for the sake and safety of your children. 🙂 However, the next steps involve more time, growth, and patience. As you continue to learn how to deal with your ex and mitigate conflict, you’ll find that the situation can get better. It’ll never be perfect but it can be better. 🙂 Thanks for leaving a comment! <3
Hi I wish I saw this article 40 years ago my 3 children and I have been suffering for so long I had no idea what I was dealing with my children are now adults
He has ruined our lives
I think the hardest is for children to learn how to put boundaries to their toxic parent and how we, the parents, can help them to that. Its difficult as well, for kids to know the ways he/she manipulates them. The best for the other parent is to always be true, calm and give safety to his/her children.
This is so incredibly hard. My ex husband is full blown covert narcissist.
Our daughter is learning to navigate. I’m grateful for any suggestions. She is in counseling and most recently she said…”I will not alter my reality to make his behavior acceptable.” I thought this was very insightful for a 11 year old.
That is very insightful for an 11 year old! It seems that your daughter is really gaining perspective on the situation. Apart from validating her feelings and letting her come to her own conclusions about her father, just offer her support and be her safe place. 🙂
How do I discuss my narcissistic husbands behavior with my daughter so she can see that it is wrong? She is only 6 and started making excuses for him- daddy is just daddy. I’m so afraid she’s going to follow in my footsteps and end up with someone like him. I don’t want to disparage him in front of her but I’m very truthful. I tell her he should not speak to her or I the way he does. When he is over the top demeaning or inappropriate I tell him in front of her that his tone or actions are not okay and he turns it around on her saying “look- you got me in trouble”. I always follow up with saying she did nothing wrong and telling him he needs to take responsibility for his own words and actions but I can see the toll this is taking. My lawyer says I will not likely get full custody if I tried and I will not leave my daughter behind. It’s emotionally so taxing for me as a full grown adult. I cannot imagine how hard this is to navigate for her.
It’s definitely a frustrating situation, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. 🙁 It seems that you are doing everything you can to help your daughter understand the situation – just give it time. As long as you’re honest with her and support her feelings, she will begin to see what he is truly about. As far as custody goes, joint custody only means that you and your ex have to make decisions about your daughter together. It doesn’t affect access or who takes care of the child on a full-time basis. However, access can progress to more balanced time between the two of you.
Women can also be narcissists, not just men.
Absolutely 100%! I’m not sure where in my article I specifically refer to narcissists as men (except for when speaking about my own experience in which my ex is, indeed, a male), but I am very careful to refer to these individuals using gender-neutral terms. Because I am a woman and a mother, this blog is positioned to speak to that audience, but the information is completely relevant to those dealing with narcissistic men and women. Thanks for your feedback!
My 13 yr old son called me “gullible” and I immediately had flashbacks of his father calling me names and demeaning me. I’m deathly afraid of him turning out like his dad. How do I talk to him about this before it’s too late? He’s a sweet kid, but sometimes when he’s around him for a weekend he comes home acting like him and it’s killing me.
Use “I” statements to express how his behavior and words make you feel. For example, “I don’t like being called gullible. It hurts my feelings.” Try to stay away from saying things that accuse your son (like, “When you call me gullible…”) – this will help curb his natural inclination to become defensive. Also, don’t compare his behaviors to his father’s. Just address the behaviors and words. And if the behaviors are extreme or totally disrespectful, consider implementing consequences for his actions.
Thanks so much for your posts. I’m trying to support my 17 year old daughter through a particularly tough patch with her dad. He’s sent her some messages that are shaming and emotionally immature, calling her stubborn and ungrateful and disrespectful. I have some ideas about her to support my daughter but would like to raise my upset and frustration with my ex. I just don’t know how to do it (or if I should) in such a way that his reaction won’t be to get angry or ignore my message. But I do want to let him know that he can’t treat her like that (and expect her to want to continue a relationship with him). Would really appreciate any advice. Thanks again.
You’re instincts are bang on here! Especially when it comes to finding ways to support your daughter and teaching her how to be resilient to her father’s comments. You’re also 100% right in expecting an angry or dismissive reaction from your ex. You do have some options here: A. Say something to him, let him rage, and then accept his decision to either change the way he speaks to her or not (probably not); B. Focus on your daughter and let her know that she has the right to set boundaries with him (i.e., limit or cut communication); C. Give your daughter the strength and confidence to address his treatment of her herself.
I am just realizing I may be married to a narcissist, we have a 17 year old son who seems quiet and unsure of himself, and a 15 year old daughter who is depressed and anxious as a result of constant criticism from him and lack of emotional connection. He is a loving person underneath it all, but is so demeaning to our kids and having angry outbursts, and very high expectations of them. He is demeaning to me also, but I can answer back and tolerate it. Is it possible to protect them from this without ending the relationship? Is it possible for him to change? Is it too late considering their ages – are they permanently damaged from this?
I regret not recognizing the signs earlier and doing more about it, although I did always stand up for the kids, I didn’t realize how much it was damaging them.
It is 100% never too late! I know suggesting therapy seems to be the go-to advice on the internet, but you should really consider getting your kids in to talk to someone. Start with your family doc and they will help you. I can tell you from experience that this will make a huge difference, no matter your kids’ ages. But you also have a lot to consider with the entire situation – if your partner is demeaning your children and affecting their mental health, I really can’t see him being “a loving person” in any way. Start with therapy but consider the fact that staying with their father is likely causing more harm than if you were to leave the relationship. I know it’s a lot to take in and sort out, but start with getting your kids help now and the rest will make sense as you go along.
This may work with some situations but not all. Children are easily convinced depending on the type of narcissism we are talking about. I would never use the word narcissist or any kind of name calling word. Children can get very defensive and protective of a parent in the wrong. They will have a string of excuses for whatever unhealthy behavior and you will lose that conversation quickly. They will go back and tell the other parent what you said to validate. Of course that never goes well either.
Show your children with your character, actions, reactions and responses to everyday life in whole. Be the healthy example that they watch and soak in daily. You can talk about what’s healthy and not as situations come up but never reference or insinuate you are talking about the other parent.
Absolutely! However, this article focuses how to address your child when they bring up things that confuse or upset them. Of course, I would never suggest that anyone use the word narcissism or name-calling to explain what’s going on to their child (also something I don’t suggest in this article at all). If you read the post, it’s about answering questions and explaining things in a child-led way, not sitting them down and reading them the riot act on what narcissism is and how bad their other parent is. And talking to your child about their toxic parent is hard to do by not referencing the other parent when they are central to the child’s concern. Thank you for your insight, though – definitely points that need to be reinforced in these situations. 🙂