Dealing with a narcissist’s text messages can be a challenging and frustrating experience.

Trust me, I know!

While trying to co-parent with my ex, all communication was limited to text messages and emails.

That didn’t mean he didn’t act like an asshole through text, but it gave me the upper hand to control the conversation.

Because that’s the key to dealing with narcissists: controlling what you can.

Face-to-face it’s easy for tempers to flair and for things to be said in the heat of the moment.

But when it’s a text or email, you have control over whether or not you respond and how you respond.

You also have an opportunity to find some calm before taking action.

So, let’s take a look at some strategies for handling narcissist text messages so that you can take the stress out of communicating with a narcissist:

 

Examples of Narcissist Text Messages

Before we get into exactly how to respond to a narcissist, it’s helpful to understand their traits and behaviors.

The more you know why they’re pulling the shit they’re pulling, the easier it is to know how to respond to it.

So let’s look at their behaviors and the types of texts that go along with them:

Guilt-Tripping Messages

Example: “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me after all I’ve done for you.”

Insight: Guilt-tripping messages are designed to make you feel responsible for their emotions or actions. Remember, their emotional well-being is not your sole responsibility. They’re grown ups, not children.

Blame-Shifting Messages

Example: “You’re the reason things are falling apart. If you had just listened to me, none of this would have happened.”

Insight: Narcissists often deflect blame onto others to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. Basically, they never believe they are wrong…ever.

Manipulative Flattery

Example: “I’ve always admired your intelligence and charm. It’s a shame you’re not using it in our relationship.”

Insight: Manipulative flattery aims to stroke your ego while simultaneously criticizing you. It’s their way of confusing you and also insulting you with the excuse of, “I meant it as a compliment!”

Passive-Aggressive Messages

Example: “Oh, I guess you’re just too busy to care about what’s important to me.”

Insight: Passive-aggressive messages are really just their true intentions hidden behind “innocence.” And oftentimes when you call them out on it, they’ll say they were joking or they didn’t mean it that way.

Demanding and Controlling Messages

Example: “You need to do this right now, or you’ll regret it.”

Insight: Narcissists are all about control, and they’ll try to gain the upperhand by making threats and demands or imposing ultimatums.

Dealing with a difficult, toxic, or high-conflict co-parent? Visit the full hub here: Co-Parenting with a Difficult or Toxic Ex

Patterns & Boundaries

In my experience of having a relationship with a narcissist and then trying to co-parent with one, I started noticing patterns of manipulative behaviors.

That made it easier to figure out what boundaries and responses would be most effective in the moment.

I remember when getting a text from him sent me into a tailspin of anger, panic, and anxiety.

Maybe I became desensitized to it, but I think understanding his motivations did make it less stressful when we did communicate.

And it made it easier for me to enforce both communication and personal boundaries — what I told him I wasn’t going to respond to and what I told myself I wasn’t going to respond to.

Anyway, over time you can start to detach emotionally from the narcissist and respond in a way that’s calculated, business-like, and neutral.

What is the Best Response to a Narcissist?

So now that you know why the narcissist is doing what they’re doing, let’s talk a bit more about those boundaries.

When it comes to setting and protecting boundaries with a narcissist, you can absolutely expect them to be ignored and disrespected.

But that’s okay because remember: YOU have the control!

You get to choose if you respond, when you respond, and how you respond.

They can’t take that choice away from you.

Let’s take a look at when you should respond and when you should ignore a narcissist:

When to Respond

I mean, unless you have kids together, you are probably not obligated to respond to a narcissist.

And even then, you don’t have to reply unless it’s something to do with the kids.

But knowing when to respond can help you navigate difficult communication and conversations.

For example:

• If there’s an emergency or relevant concern
• If they ask a legitimate question that needs a response
• If you’re co-parent and it’s about the kids

Or you could always just reply when they are being civil and respectful.

Just don’t let them trick you into drawn out and personal conversations.

Keep your responses short and neutral.

Stick to the facts and don’t let them drag you into an emotional debate.

When to Ignore

Pretty much any other time or when they are being a real asshole.

When I co-parented with my ex, I ignored most of his texts because they were absolute nonsense and had zero to do with our kid.

And, honestly, what I ignored and what I replied to sent a very clear message to him.

Over time, his nonsense decreased slightly (better than nothing).

Plus, the more I practiced active ignoring, the less those messaged stressed me out.

So if the text is insulting, harassing, threatening or just irrelevant, don’t bother replying.

 

Communicating Your Boundaries

One mid-ground between responding and ignoring is to flat out tell the narcissist that you won’t respond and why.

“I won’t reply to insulting messages.”

That’s setting a boundary!

Does it matter if they agree with it?

No, because you have the power to ignore them just as you stated you would.

Again, they can’t force you to respond.

What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Text?

So ignoring the text is most of the battle, but there may be a backlash to follow if the narcissist gets pissed off.

Because when you withhold the response they are looking for (which is usually you getting upset), you disrupt their pattern of seeking attention and validation.

Feels kind of powerful, doesn’t it?

Just make sure you remind yourself: You are not responsible for their feelings.

They can have their tantrums all they want and it’s not your fault.

Here are some other cool things that happen when you ignore them:

• Breaking the Cycle: Again, when you don’t give them the reaction they want, you interrupt their cycle of manipulation and deny them the satisfaction of knowing they can control your emotions or actions.
• Resisting Emotional Drain: When you engage in their nonsense, it’s emotional draining. They do this on purpose just to get you going. Ignoring their texts allows you to protect that energy and your mental well-being.
• Testing Their Persistence: When you ignore a narcissist, they may escalate their efforts to get your attention, like sending multiple messages, being more harassing, or trying something new to regain control. If you weren’t sure who you were dealing with before, this will reveal who they really are.

So just be prepared for escalation and more attempts to get a reaction from you.

If they do become relentless, they will eventually back off once they realize it’s not working.

Communication Tips for Responding to Text Messages

Okay, so now let’s talk about exactly how you should respond to a narcissist’s text in order to keep control of the situation and avoid a spiral into frustration and anger!

Here’s what to do:

Stay Calm and Collected

First of all, take a deep breath and put the phone down for a minute.

Think about their message: is there a legit question or concern in there or are they just being an idiot?

If you do have respond, address only that question or concern in as few words as possible, keeping things neutral and straightforward.

For example:

“I don’t know why you’re blowing this so out of proportion. If you actually cared about our family, you’d stop nagging me every five minutes about money. I already do more than enough. Honestly, I’m exhausted from all your complaining, but of course you never notice that. Maybe if you managed your budget better, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

What’s the real concern here?

Probably money management, so that’s all that needs to be addressed.

“Noted. Let’s make a spreadsheet of what’s been paid and what’s still owing and get everything sorted out.”

Or:

“Noted. I’ll send along the spreadsheet I’ve been tracking expenses with for the past few months for you to look at.”

The word “noted” is a great way to respond to a narcissist because it indicates that you heard them but not necessarily that you agree with them.

Set Boundaries

Yes, I’m talking about boundaries again, but that’s because they’re so important!

You’re allowed to clearly define communication boundaries and let the narcissist know about them:

• “I won’t be responded to texts with threats.”
• “I’ll only respond to a clear and reasonable request/concern/question.”
• “The next time you speak to me that way, I’ll be blocking your number.”
• “Please reach out when you’re ready to have a real conversation about this.”

Is this going to piss them off?

Yup, but that’s not your problem.

Your concern is doing what you have to do to protect yourself and your peace.

Use “I” Statements

Narcissists are notoriously defensive and it all goes back to what I mentioned before: they refuse to take responsibility for their actions.

And while it’s not up to you to baby their defensive nature, you can have far more productive conversations with a narcissist (when necessary) but using “I” statements.

“I” statements takes away the blame and focus on them and puts it back on you.

For example:

• “I near clear communication about plans.”
• “I want to focus on solutions, so I’m not going to argue about the past.”
• “I need time before I respond. I’ll get back to you later.”
• “I won’t accept being attacked, so let me know when we can talk respectfully.”

You can get your point across without being accusatory or confrontational.

What they do with that is their problem.

 

Avoid JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Narcissists often use JADE tactics to wear you down and shift blame.

Basically what they are doing is arguing you in circles until you finally give in and agree with them just to end the conversation.

They start conversations that force you to justify yourself, argue with them, defend yourself, and explain yourself.

But in reality, you don’t owe them any of this.

Mostly because it’s not going to change how they view you or treat you.

So when you notice yourself doing any of those four things, end the conversation.

It’s not worth your time.

Use Time Delays

When you do have to respond to a narcissist’s text, use a set time delay before sending your reply.

For example, tell yourself you’re going to wait 5 minutes.

Then take that time to collect your thoughts and figure out a response that is brief and direct.

Otherwise, you may find yourself rage texting, which is giving the narcissist exactly what they want.

When responding to a narcissist’s message, consider incorporating a time delay before sending your reply. This pause allows you to collect your thoughts, assess the situation, and respond in a composed manner rather than reacting impulsively.

What To Do If You Have to Talk Face to Face

There may be times when you can’t avoid a face-to-face conversation with a narcissist.

Now, in my experience, my ex was actually less confrontation face-to-face because he didn’t have the guts to say to me what he would send in a text.

However, it’s still an opportunity for tempers to flare and it’s harder to control an in-person conversation than a written.

So if you do find yourself to talk to the narcissist, here are some tips:

• Before you talk to them, think about exactly what needs to be said. Write it down if it helps. It’s easier to keep the conversation on topic when you know what you want to say.
• Try to stay calm even if they attempt to provoke you. Take a deep breath, look around and distract yourself for a moment. Think about what needs to be said and keep repeating that.
• Use assertive body language to show that you won’t be pushed around. Maintain eye contact, stand tall, and keep your arms crossed or on your hips.
• Set clear boundaries at the very beginning of the conversation. Let them know that if the chat goes off the rails, you will walk away.

Face-to-face interactions with a narcissist can be scary and exhausting, but going in prepared will give you the upper hand.

 

Texting Narcissists & Taking Control

I know that narcissists are good at controlling and manipulating people, but they’re not all powerful.

When it comes to communication, there are ways you can take back control and not let their behavior affect you the way they want it to.

Have you tried any of these tips? Did they work for you?

Let me know in the comments!