Is your ex manipulating the visitation schedule?

Are they interfering in ways that don’t make sense?

Having a parenting plan is great for co-parents who want to get along for the sake of their child.

But it sucks when the other parent decides to mess around with it and cause issues just to maintain control.

All you want to do is create consistency for your child and have a civil relationship with your ex, but then they go and sabotage it.

I get it, I really do.

My ex was always trying to sabotage our agreements and even our court order, finding loopholes and rewording things just to be in control of the situation.

Instead of letting things play out they way they’re written and keeping the situation peaceful.

If that sounds like your ex, I feel you, and there are things you can do.

Let’s take a look:

What is Parenting Plan Sabotage?

Parenting plan sabotage happens when one co-parent manipulates the agreement to either benefit them or maintain control (or both).

They intentionally undermine the plan’s goals, whatever their reason.

For example:

• Changing Visitation Time: They may deliberately drop off the child late to “have more time” with them, or pick them up late because it “doesn’t work with their schedule.”
• Interfering with Communication: They prevent the other parent from talking to the child on the phone during their parenting time (it’s one thing for a child to constantly be on the phone with their other parent, but outright refusal is wrong).
• Changing Agreements Without Court Approval: This can involve changing visitation times or locations without the other parent’s consent or court permission.
• Making Unilateral Decisions: Unless they have sole custody (learn more about custody here), parents can’t make decisions without consulting the other parent.

Basically, sabotage occurs any time they disrupt the agreement for no good reason.

I mean, if they absolutely can’t pick up your kid at the agreed upon time because their schedule changed, that’s a legit reason to change the time.

But if it’s just because they don’t want to, that’s sabotage.

It’s okay to make changes to the agreement, even if it’s a legal court order, as long as both parents are okay with it.

In fact, the courts love to see this because it shows cooperation.

They don’t like it when one parent takes it upon themselves to make changes without consent and justification.

And not only is parenting plan sabotage annoying, it causes unnecessary conflict and stress for you and your child.

Dealing with a difficult, toxic, or high-conflict co-parent? Visit the full hub here: Co-Parenting with a Difficult or Toxic Ex

How Do You Deal With a Manipulative Co-Parent?

Talk to Your Ex

If your ex is not following the parenting plan, the first thing you should do is talk to them.

You never know— discussing the issue may be enough to resolve it!

Maybe you guys just need to make a simple change to the schedule that works for everyone.

I mean, if your ex is anything like mine that’s a slim chance, but it’s worth a shot.

Just use that business-like and neutral tone in writing.

And if they do respond like an idiot, try not to let it bother you and keep their response as evidence of their unwillingness to cooperate.

Don’t Engage in Conflict

This is a biggie and probably the hardest things about co-parenting with a narcissist or toxic ex.

Part of sabotaging the plan could be to draw you into a fight or argument.

Don’t give into their tactics, don’t start any arguments, and don’t get drawn into one.

If you try to reach out and they come at you with nonsense, either ignore their message or address any sort of answer they’ve given.

(Look for some scripts to deal with a conflicting co-parent? I’ve got you covered!)

Here’s a real life example:

I took my child to parenting time with their father and waited 15 minutes.

He was a no show, so I left and we headed out of town for something to do.

(Keep in mind that I texted him saying we were there.)

An hour later—

Him “Where’s child?”

Me: “We waited 15 minutes and then left.”

Him: “My phone didn’t wake me up, but you can bring them now.”

Me: “We’re out of town, sorry. I can bring them when we’re back.”

Him: “This is my parenting time! Why didn’t you call me? You’re trying to keep them away from me!”

Me: “I’ll text you when we’re back in town.”

I could have reminded him that it’s not my responsibility to call him and wake him up, but I knew there’d be no point.

I said what I had to say and left it at that.

Keep a Record of Everything

When it comes to communicating with your ex regarding, well, anything, I highly recommend you keep everything in writing.

Even if the conversation is civil, limit it to text or email.

You should also keep track of canceled, missed, or rescheduled visits.

Between documenting conversations and what happens, you’ll be able to prove a clear pattern of sabotage.

This is super helpful if you have a court order or decide to get one.

Get a Court Order

If trying to work with your ex absolutely won’t work, it’s probably time to get a court order.

A court order is a legal parenting plan decided by a case master or judge based on the information presented by the lawyers.

And this is where any documentation is really going to help you out!

If you can show the court that you conduct yourself in a civil manner but your ex is unreasonable and aggressive, things will likely swing in your favor.

(Just be prepared to not get everything you want in court. Case masters and judges will determine the plans based on the situation, what’s fair, and what’s best for the child.”

On the flip side of that, if your ex has proof that you fly off the handle or make threats, it can get messy.

Keep a cool head, gather your evidence, and take your ex to court.

Pick Your Battles

Ultimately, when it comes to parenting plan sabotage, sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

It can be exhausting to deal with every little manipulation, and sometimes it’s best to let the small things go.

For example, if your ex is always five minutes late to pick up your child, it’s probably not that big of a deal.

Either they are doing it because they truly can’t get there on time, or they are simply finding a way to piss you off.

But if they are half an hour late, this is something that needs to be addressed.

For the sake of your own sanity and mental health, pick your battles.

High Conflict Parenting Plan Checklist

Navigating a high-conflict parenting plan can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience.

To help you out, here’s a parenting plan checklist if your ex tries to push things sideways:

• Look at the Situation: Identify the areas of conflict happening in regards to your parenting plan. Is your ex deliberately dropping off your child late? Are they withholding information about your child’s health?
• Maintain Communication: I know it’s the last thing you want to do, but it’s important to call your ex out on their behavior. Just keep your communication business-like and neutral (“Just a reminder that our court order says parenting time ends at 7:00 pm. Child should be home by 7:15 pm.”). Pro tip: Keep your communication in writing.
• Document Everything: Keep records of all interactions, agreements, and violations.
• Prioritize Your Child: Approach the situation with your child’s best interest in mind. Is it worth arguing about? Can you deal with it when your child is not around?
• Seek Mediation or Legal Support: If you can’t come to an agreement with your ex, it may be necessary to bring in outside help, either with a mediator or a lawyer. If you don’t have a court order, you should consider one.
• Stay Flexible: Remember that agreements are allowed to change and you have to be open to adjustments when circumstances change. Don’t dig your heels in just to prove a point.

Managing a high-conflict co-parent takes patience, which I know can be difficult when your ex is acting like a moron.

Just keep this list handy so that you can approach the situation calmly and collected.

What Happens if You Violate a Parenting Plan?

Parallel Parenting Plan

When it comes to informal parenting plans, such as a parallel parenting plan, there’s really not much you can do legally if your ex manipulates and sabotages the plan.

If you don’t have a legal court order, you will have to address the situation (which you can do using the tips in this article!).

However, it’s important to note that deliberately violating a parallel parenting plan will not look good if the situation does end up in court.

So, if you have proof that your ex is sabotaging the parenting plan, you can use this as evidence when filing for a court order.

Court Order

A court order is a legal document signed by a judge that outlines the parenting agreement in regard to visitation. It can also include other provisions, such as transportation plans, holidays, and more.

Because it’s a legal document, it has to be followed.

Just keep in mind that while a court order will keep your ex accountable for following the parenting plan, you have to follow it as well.

Plus, you both need to come to an agreement in front of a judge. You can’t make demands about the parenting agreement unless you have proof (text messages, documentation of missed visits, etc.).

However, if you have a court order, you can file a motion to enforce the parenting plan and visitation schedule and request that the judge holds your ex in contempt of court if they are not following it.

This can result in penalties and, in severe cases, jail time.

Why Do Toxic and Narcissistic Exes Sabotage the Parenting Plan?

If you’re curious as to why your ex goes through all the trouble to sabotage your parenting plan, here’s why toxic and narcissistic co-parents do this in the first place:

• To get you in trouble. If you make a verbal agreement but don’t change it on the parenting plan, they may go back to what’s in the plan and then accuse you of not following the agreement.
• To control the situation (even if it doesn’t make sense). Narcissists, in particular, do not like to be told what to do, even if what they are being told makes sense. They will purposely sabotage the parenting plan so that they can make the decisions and take control of the situation.
• To piss you off and cause an argument. Ultimately, they may sabotage the parenting plan simply to pull you into an argument and conflict to feed their need for attention.

Let’s look at some examples of parenting plan sabotage, and you’ll see where these motivations come into play:

How Do Manipulative Exes Sabotage Parenting Plans?

They Cause Issues with Drop-Off and Pick-Up

Your ex may show up late or purposely go to the wrong location.

Maybe the parenting plan states that your ex picks up your child at your home, but because you are already heading in their direction at that time, you make a verbal agreement that you will drop off the child.

You go to leave and get a text from your ex. They are at your house waiting!

Chances are that they will turn the situation on you, stating that they were exactly where they were supposed to be according to the agreement – despite the changes you made verbally.

They Mess With the Visitation Schedule

They may start switching days, canceling visits, and not even showing up for them.

This inconsistency can be frustrating for both you and your child. Either they are looking forward to seeing their other parent, or they are let down.

Or they are anxious about seeing their other parent and sit with that anxiety until the other parent decides to show up (or not).

If your ex does this, you may get a plethora of excuses (often blaming the circumstances on someone else), or they may not offer you any reason for changing the schedule.

They may notify you that they are switching or canceling, or they may just not show up.

They Twist the Words of the Agreement

It’s important that every word that is used in a parenting plan has a clear meaning. Otherwise, your ex could start twisting the words.

Here’s an example: “Shared” holidays mean that the child spends time with both parents on that holiday.

However, your ex could take that to mean, “We share the holidays, so the child spends Christmas with me one year and with you the next.”

(Which is “alternated,” by the way.)

You’re cool with that, so that’s how you do Christmas.

But then the next year, your ex is fuming because you didn’t make plans for your child to spend part of the day with them – because the plan says “shared,” and it means shared time on a particular day.

Getting Out of the Co-Parenting Nightmare

Co-parenting with a narcissist or toxic person really can be a nightmare!

Figuring out how to deal with parenting plan sabotage can be confusing and frustrating, but there are things you can do to take control of the situation.

Just remember that if all else fails, you can always get a court order to hold your ex accountable.

Looking for more co-parenting help? I’ve got you covered with these posts! Check them out:

• Co-Parenting 101
• Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
• Co-Parenting Boundaries to Keep Your Sanity
• How to Put Your Kids First While Co-Parenting