Parallel parenting is a type of co-parenting that is useful when two parents can’t get along or avoid conflict. While it’s not a legal document, a parallel parenting plan can help set up expectations and keep everyone accountable.

While a court order is best when rules have to be enforced, a parallel parenting plan is useful when it comes to organizing the details and having something on paper.

Plus, the process of setting up this plan involves discussions about schedules and other arrangements you definitely don’t want to approach by the seat of your pants.

Especially if your ex is difficult and likes to take every opportunity to create conflict and chaos.

For example, if you don’t have some sort of agreement with your ex regarding who picks up and drops off the kids, they could very well show up at the wrong times, in the wrong places, or expect you to drive when they were supposed to.

And who wants that chaos?

Parallel parenting plans aren’t perfect, but having one is a starting point. It’ll help you get a feel for the kind of difficulties your ex is going to cause and it’s a good thing to have if you do land in court.

And they don’t necessarily have to last forever.

Sometimes co-parents are difficult because of leftover bad feelings from the breakup— or because they’re afraid of losing “control” of the family and they double down out of fear.

But oftentimes, yes, they are necessary throughout the entire co-parenting journey.

If this is the route you feel you’re going to need to take, here’s a guide on how to set up a parallel parenting plan and how to implement it:

What Are the Principles of Parallel Parenting?

While parallel parenting has no strict rules, it does have different principles that will help promote cooperation and consistency. At the very least, it will reduce conflict and stress in the situation.

Here are the ways that parallel parenting addresses high-conflict situations while keeping your child’s needs at the forefront of everything you do:

• Emphasize Child-Centric Approaches: The cornerstone of parallel parenting is placing the children’s needs and best interests above all else. This means refraining from using them as messengers or pawns in conflicts and instead prioritizing their emotional and psychological well-being.
• Minimize Exposure to Conflict: The purpose of parallel parenting is to provide a buffer against the conflicts that led to its adoption. Parents should make a conscious effort to shield their children from disagreements and animosity. This involves refraining from negative comments about the other parent, especially in the children’s presence.
• Create a Structured Routine: Predictability and consistency are key components of a successful parallel parenting arrangement. Establishing a well-defined routine for visitation, exchanges, communication, and decision-making fosters stability in the children’s lives, alleviating unnecessary stress and anxiety.
• Acknowledge Separate Lives: Parallel parenting recognizes that parents may have differing lifestyles, rules, and approaches. Rather than attempting to synchronize these differences, parents are encouraged to respect each other’s choices and methods within their own households. This approach helps children adapt to the varying environments they experience.
• Open Lines of Limited Communication: While the main goal is to reduce direct communication to prevent conflict, maintaining a channel for essential child-related matters is vital. Establish a system that enables efficient communication while minimizing the potential for disagreements. Consider using methods like email, text messaging, or dedicated apps designed for co-parenting communication.
• Professional Mediation: In situations where disagreements cannot be resolved independently, involving a professional mediator or therapist can provide an objective perspective. These neutral third parties can help parents navigate sensitive topics, find common ground, and facilitate smoother communication.
• Encourage Individuality: Children benefit from having healthy relationships with both parents. Parallel parenting promotes the idea that children should be allowed to form their own relationships and connections with each parent independently, free from influence or pressure from either side.
• Focus on Self-Care: Parallel parenting can be emotionally draining, especially if there is a history of conflict. Parents should prioritize self-care to ensure they are emotionally and mentally equipped to handle the challenges that may arise. This might involve seeking support from friends, family, or professional counselors.
• Flexibility Within Boundaries: While parallel parenting relies on structured routines, flexibility within those boundaries can be essential. Unexpected situations or changes might arise, and the ability to adapt and find solutions together demonstrates a commitment to the children’s well-being.
• Long-Term Perspective: Remember that parallel parenting is often a temporary arrangement designed to minimize conflict during times of heightened tension. As time passes and emotions settle, parents may find opportunities to gradually transition into a more collaborative co-parenting model if circumstances improve.
• By embracing these principles, parents can effectively navigate the complexities of parallel parenting while maintaining a focus on the children’s emotional health, stability, and growth.

What Should Be Included in a Parallel Parenting Plan?

First of all, let’s talk about what goes into the plan.

Depending on your ex, you may need to make a meticulously detailed plan so there’s no wiggle room to sabotage agreements.

Or maybe you just need a general guidelines to get started with co-parenting.

Either way, there are some things you should definitely include in your parallel parenting plan to make sure all your bases are covered, such as:

• Schedule: You need a detailed schedule of parenting time (when your child spends time with each parent). Make sure to include weekends, holidays, and special occasions.
• Communication: You are allowed to define how you want to communicate with your ex (as long as you guys are sharing necessary information about your child and not withholding anything). For high-conflict situations, I recommend sticking to texts or emails so you can communicate without emotion and have proof of what is said.
• Decision-Making: Typically, this is determined according to custody (single custody means one parent can make decisions, joint custody means both parents have to). But in a parallel parenting agreement, it’s worth making it known what decisions both parents have to be involved in.
• Responsibilities: It’s also worth listing the responsibilities of each parent, especially when it comes to day-to-day care, extracurricular activities, appointments, school, etc.
• Conflict Resolution Plan: Get ahead of conflicts by including a plan. This could be an agreement that constant arguing will lead to court or mediation, or one that stipulates issues will only be discussed in a calm and respectful manner.

How detailed each of these things needs to be depends on your situation, but having the basics will help you create an expectation with your ex and hopefully lead to smoother co-parenting.

How Do You DO Parallel Parenting?

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So, you have your plan…now what?

How you follow it is just as important as how you set it up.

The main purpose of the parallel parenting plan should be to minimize conflict and create a safe and calm co-parenting environment for your child.

And for you, too.

While this may not always work, it’s good to have a foundation to start from.

Here’s how you can put your parallel parenting plan into action:

• Boundaries: First of all, you need to establish strong boundaries, such as the communication ones I mentioned, but this can also include limiting access to your personal space and your personal life, and avoiding conversations unrelated to your child and co-parenting. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SET THESE BOUNDARIES! Emotionally and legally.
• Open Communication: While it’s important to limit HOW you communicate, you should encourage open communication about your child. Just make sure you’re using a respectful and business-like tone and not letting emotions take over. If they do, step back and re-address the conversation.
• Use Technology: There are some great apps out there, like OurFamilyWizard that can help you coordinate communication and schedules. A lot of courts like this app because it also compiles evidence.
• Stay Child-Focused: Keep your child at the center of everything you do when you parallel parent. Don’t put them in the middle of conflicts and don’t double down on issues just because of how YOU feel. Think about how it was affect your kiddo.
• Follow the Plan: Consistency is key when it comes to implementing a parallel parenting plan, especially for your child. But it’s also important to be flexible. If something isn’t working for you or your ex, having a conversation about making beneficial changes.
• Get Help: Parallel parenting can be hard, but you don’t have to do it on your own. Mediation or legal support may be necessary to help you and your ex find a common ground and come to an agreement.

When it comes to parallel parenting, it should never feel like a constant battle.

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Parallel Parenting vs Co-Parenting

In a perfect world, separated parents would be able to co-parent.

This involves reasonability and understanding that decisions must be made in the child’s best interest.

Ideally, you should begin by attempting to co-parent with your toxic ex, but once this method falls apart, it’s time to parallel parent.

You’ll know it’s time to switch to parallel parenting with your ex when the conflict starts to affect your kids.

This usually involves arguing in front of your little one or your toxic ex trying to manipulate your relationship with your child.

What If Your Co-Parent Refuses to Make a Plan?

The thing about making a parallel parenting plan, or getting a court order for that matter, is that not everyone is going to get what they want.

When you go to court, a case master is going to take both sides into consideration and decide what’s best for the child. Meaning that you may have to accept things you don’t want to.

When you make a parallel parenting plan, you also have to relinquish some control.

And while that’s easy for people like you and me who just want to create a harmonious situation for our children, it’s a power game to toxic and narcissistic co-parents.

In order to maintain what power and control they think they have, they may purposefully contradict and refuse any sort of agreement you present.

If this happens, it’s likely you’re going to have to go to court and get that court order. Which is good, because it means if they don’t follow the rules, they can get in real trouble.

With a parallel parenting plan, there’s really no stakes or consequences.

Except, if they are being an asshat about everything, that can be used in court to prove they are contrary for the sake of being contrary (judges and case masters don’t like that).

Otherwise, you can make your own “plan” by keeping texts and emails in which they did agree to something.

For example, if they said, “Yes, I’ll take the kids every other weekend from Friday to Sunday,” that’s a plan and you can jot it down as such.

(And keep the text!)

What if Your Co-Parent Agreed to a Plan and Then Refuses to Follow It?

So let’s say your ex was all for a parallel parenting plan but decides not to follow it or decides to purposefully sabotage it.

Whether or not you decide to go the court order route, there are things you can do to keep the parallel parenting plan in place:

• Stick to It: Other than being reasonably flexible and having respectful conversations about changes, stick to the plan. Tell your ex, “If we can’t agree on this, I’m going back to what’s on paper.” And guess what? That’s the same way a court order works anyway.
• Document Everything; When it comes to conflicting co-parenting, documentation is your best friend! Keep every text and email, log incidents as they happen, and hang onto everything. This can be used to keep your ex accountable or in court of it goes that far.
• Get the Pros Involved: Yes, I know I’ve said it many times, but it may come time when you’ll have to contact a lawyer. Check with your local family court office to see if you qualify for legal aid.

Want an easy way to document everything? I created a Co-Parenting Documentation Bundle that includes printables like a visitation log to track missed and cancelled visits as well as a communication log and a schedule change tracker. Check it out here!

Parallel Parenting in the Courts

If you are or have been going to court to sort out custody or visitation arrangements, it’s likely that the lawyers and judges have started out by encouraging a co-parent situation. They want to see if the ideal situation will work between two parents.

Even if nobody calls it “parallel parenting,” it’s likely that the courts will nudge you in this direction. For instance, there may be stipulations in the court order that communication is limited to text and email or that discussions only involve information about your child.

It wasn’t until after I was granted sole custody of my daughter that I started to learn about parallel parenting with my ex. Then, I started seeing parallels between a parallel parenting plan and what was already in my court order.

However, if you are not involved in the court system to sort out custody and access, you can still create a parallel parenting plan! You simply need to gather specific information from your toxic ex (in writing) and organize it into one plan.

Should they decide to argue with you, you can refer back to what they agreed to or suggested in writing (which is why it’s so important to keep all of your communications!).

And, if you ever end up in court, you can bring your parallel parenting plan and the evidence to your lawyer.

The courts don’t like to “claw back” what is already going on, meaning that they aren’t going to take the time away from a parent if that time has been consistent.

With a parallel parenting plan, you have a good starting point when it comes to agreeing on stipulations for the court order.

Setting Up Your Parallel Parenting Plan

That’s it!

Setting up a parallel parenting plan is all about clearly laying out the logistics of co-parenting while sprinkling in some boundaries and expectations.

And even if your ex refuses to actively create a plan or follow, you have plenty of options to maintain control.

In the end, co-parenting is about cooperating. If you can’t cooperate, parallel parenting is an amazing alternative that gives your child the consistency and calm they need.

• Co-Parenting 101
• Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
• Co-Parenting Boundaries to Keep Your Sanity
• How to Put Your Kids First While Co-Parenting