As someone who has tried to co-parent with a difficult ex (and wrote a book about it), I know how important it is to have boundaries.

But how do you make them known and stick by them if they’re not respected?

Here’s a truth you need to hear:

You don’t need your co-parent’s permission to have boundaries!

Parallel parenting is a type of co-parenting structure that establishes boundaries and encourages parents to do their own thing while focusing on their children’s well-being.

This is probably the best way to avoid conflicts while co-parenting.

But many parents I talk to who try to parallel parent struggle to establish and stick by boundaries.

If that sounds like you, then let’s look at the core concept of setting boundaries while parallel parenting plus the type of boundaries you should have.

he essential types of boundaries that can facilitate a smoother co-parenting journey.

Setting Boundaries With a High-Conflict Ex

So we all know that co-parenting after a separation or divorce can be a challenge, especially when your ex purposefully makes things difficult.

This is when parallel parenting becomes super helpful in minimizing conflicts while putting the kids’ needs first.

And setting clear and well-defined parallel parenting boundaries is the first step in making parallel parenting work.

Boundaries can be used not only to protect your peace and maintain control, but to establish guidelines for communication and interactions.

This makes it easier to avoid nonsense and limit communication to what matters.

Dealing with a difficult, toxic, or high-conflict co-parent? Visit the full hub here: Co-Parenting with a Difficult or Toxic Ex

What are the Boundaries for Parallel Parenting?

When you’re parallel parenting, boundaries are key to making sure that you and your ex can do your own thing without chaos and conflict.

They provide structure and clarity, and reduce potential conflicts.

Here are the boundaries you need to have:

1 Communication Boundaries

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Effective communication is the key to successful co-parenting.

But when you can’t communicate with your ex, the next best thing you can do is have boundaries.

This can include guidelines for how you communication such as text, email, or a co-parenting app like OurFamilyWizard.

You can also set down times for communication, like only during non-working hours.

And you can also set rules for what you’ll respond to!

For instance, you can tell your ex that you will only respond to civil messages regarding the children and will ignore threats, insults, accusations, and attempts to start arguments.

So see what I mean by your ex doesn’t have to agree to the boundaries?

It’s your action in many cases that determine if a boundary is respected. 🙂

If you want to track communication with your co-parent to see where boundaries would be most appropriate, check out my printable communication tracker here!

2 Schedule Boundaries

You can also set co-parenting boundaries when it comes to schedules.

While setting a parenting time schedule may be out of your hands if you have a court order, you are within your rights to accept nothing beyond the agreement.

For instance, if your ex keeps trying to cancel and reschedule, you are only obligated to stick to the schedule.

Same goes for pick-up and drop-off arrangements — if your ex is trying to manipulate your time, stick to what’s on paper.

Now, that being said, it is important that you approach these situations with understanding and flexibility.

Life happens and there may be times when you need to change arrangements, so you need to be prepared for your ex to have the same boundary.

You should also give your ex some wiggle room if these changes aren’t happening frequently.

But if they are, you can set this boundary to keep things consistent for you and your child.

3 Personal Space Boundaries

You’re ex is your ex and you are under no obligation to share your life with them even if you have a child together.

This was something my ex didn’t understand and believed that because we have a kid together he was privileged to what I was doing in my life — where I went, what I spent my money on, etc.

Yeah, um, no.

What you do in your own personal space is your business, not theirs, and you can clearly let them know that.

And you can enforce that boundaries by not sharing personal information, not allowing them in your home, and by blocking them on social media.

On that note, expect that you will not have access to their personal life either and you shouldn’t snoop unless you have reason to believe your child is in danger.

Want ready-to-use tools to keep things calm and organized?

My co-parenting printables include trackers, logs, and scripts you can download and use right away.

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Check out my printables today!

4 Decision-Making Boundaries

This one can be tricky if you don’t have a court order defining custody and who has decision making powers (or how decisions are to be made).

So that needs to be clearly defined first before you can establish a boundary.

There are different types of decision-making protocols in family court:

• You have ultimate decision making and do not have to confer with your co-parent.
• You have to confer with your co-parent but get to make the decision in the end.
• Decisions have to be made together.

A judge or case master will determine this based on how you and your ex communicate.

In court, I was able to prove that there was no communicating with my ex no matter how civil and respectful I was, so I got ultimate decision making powers.

If this is laid out in a court order, there’s not much you need to do to enforce the rules—the legal system will take care of that.

But if you don’t have a court order, there are ways you can set decision-making boundaries.

For instance, define the categories of decisions that require decision making together, like major medical choices, educational changes, and religious stuff.

At the same time, clearly lay out when independent decisions can be made, like day-to-day activities and minor health-related matters (colds, mild injuries, etc.).

And get everything in writing!

It doesn’t have to be an “official” document—even a text message from your ex agreeing to this is enough to hold them accountable.

5 Conflict Resolution Boundaries

Even when you have a plan and well-established boundaries, you may still run into conflicts with your co-parent.

That’s why you should have a conflict resolution plan in place.

This is something you can determine for yourself but you can also share it with your ex.

Here’s what a basic conflict resolution plan looks like:

• Clarify the core issue and remove any emotional noise.
• Establish what you both want and why (without arguing).
• Acknowledge their wants/concerns and set your boundary.
• Find a solution that works for everyone.
• Seek mediation if you can’t come to an agreement, or ignore if it’s a ploy to start an argument.

So this is what it could look like:

Clarify the core issue: Your ex keeps missing parenting time and rescheduling, so you finally tell them to stick to the schedule because you won’t be rescheduling anymore.

Establish what you both want: You want consistency. Your ex says they want a schedule that works better for them.

Acknowledge/set boundary: You tell your ex you understand that the current situation isn’t working but you won’t accept cancellations anymore.

Find a solution: You offer to change the parenting time schedule to better accommodate their needs as long as you have an agreement of change in writing.

Mediation: If your ex won’t agree to a formal agreement, you advise your ex to contact their lawyer to have the court order changed.

OR

Ignore: If your ex won’t agree to a solution and keeps blaming you for keeping them away from their child, you ignore their texts.

If you find you keep running into issues with your ex, you can easily give them that guidelines and say, “Hey, this is how I’m going to handle problems from now on. I’m not interested in arguing. I’m interested in solutions.”

And then the more you stick to this boundary, the more you may find they try less and less to cause meaningless arguments (because they’re not getting the reaction they want).

6 Financial Boundaries

Typically when you’re co-parenting you will have a separate child support order that determines who pays what and when.

Then it’s up to the enforcement agency to make sure the child support gets paid.

However, if you don’t have a court order, things can get tricky.

Which is why it’s important to have financial boundaries such as who pays what, what expenses you’ll share, and other financial obligations.

Part of that boundary should also be that you will not share financial situations with each other (your ex doesn’t have a right to know how much money you have, make, what you spend it on, etc.).

And when it comes to shared expenses, be very clear what that includes such as extracurricular activities, school supplies, medical bills, and daycare.

Having this in writing, whether it’s a text or email showing agreement, is super important.

But at the end of the day, having a court order for child support is the best way to make sure your child is financially taken care of by both parents.

7 Social Boundaries

This kind of ties into personal boundaries because your ex also has no right to know what you do in your social life.

But, again, that means you can’t pry into what they do in theirs.

This includes what they do in their free time, who they bring around their child, where they take their child, etc.

I know it’s hard because you want to know everything happening to and around your kid but no court is going to make either parent disclose this type of information.

The exception is if you believe your child is in danger.

In that case, you should report your concerns to law enforcement.

Now, if you have a decent relationship with your co-parent, you could establish some rules about being transparent and open about who is around your kids.

Otherwise, just remember that your ex doesn’t have a right to know what’s going on in your life.

8 Technology Boundaries

Every kid has a smartphone or tablet nowadays, so you may want to consider setting some tech boundaries.

This one can be hard to stick to since you can’t control what your kids do when they are with their other parent.

And you can’t control how your ex parents them.

But if screen time is concern, this boundary is worth a try.

You can discuss and agree on limits for how long they can use their devices and what they are allowed to access.

I use an app called Kidslox that allows me to set time limits on my child’s screens as well as monitor their activity.

It also alerts me to questionable things being viewed on their screens.

If you go that route, I wouldn’t use it to limit their time too much when they’re with their other parent, but it’s a great way to keep an eye on things

9 Boundaries for Special Occasions

Going back to schedule boundaries, it’s important to figure out how holidays and special occasions work.

For instance, does your child go to their other parent’s for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day?

Do they spend their other parent’s birthday with them?

Do they spend time with both parents on their birthday?

What does Christmas and long weekends look like?

Figuring these things out ahead of time will cause you far less stress and fewer arguments over who gets to spend the day or days with your child.

Usually when it comes to major holidays like Christmas, the day is split or alternating.

So, for example, one year your child spends Christmas Eve and day with you, the next year with their other parent.

Or, the child may spend Christmas Eve and morning with one parent then over to the other parent’s that afternoon.

There are many ways to organize holidays and special occasions but make sure there’s a solid agreement.

You can use my printable here to organize parenting time schedules, including holidays and special occasions.

10 Education Boundaries

Even your kid’s education needs boundaries when it comes to co-parenting.

For example, where your kid goes to school—the obvious choice is to put them in a school near where they spend most of their time.

But if you and your ex share your kid 50/50 and live apart, you’ll have to look at other factors.

So it’s hard to establish a boundary here when it’s logistical.

However, you can have boundaries when it comes to other education-related things, like what information is shared and how.

Will you let your ex know what’s going on at school or can the teachers contact them?

Will you handle issues your ex has with the school or do they have to contact them on their own?

Who will choose your child’s extracurricular activities?

Who will handle struggles with school work?

These may seem like nothing burgers, especially if you’re the parent that has day-to-day care, but when we’re talking co-parenting boundaries, this one shouldn’t be left out.

11 Emergency Boundaries

Like I mentioned before, life happens, and it’s important to have boundaries in place in case of sudden changes or emergencies.

For instance, if something happens at school, who is contacted first? Who is responsible for responding?

If your ex has something come up during their parenting time, does your child stay home or do they have to find childcare?

It’s hard to list all the possible emergencies that could happen here, but having a plan for a few of them is a good way to avoid conflict.

And if conflict does happen, stick to the agreed upon plans.

What Are Examples of Co-Parenting Boundaries?

To help you better understanding how you can establish boundaries and take control in co-parenting, here are some examples:

• Communication Boundary Example: Limit communication to text or email for non-urgent matters; reserve phone calls for emergencies.
• Schedule Boundary Example: Strictly follow the agreed-upon visitation schedule, with no alterations unless pre-approved.
• Personal Space Boundary Example: Avoid discussing personal dating lives or social activities during interactions.
• Decision-Making Boundary Example: Collaboratively decide on major medical treatments, but respect each other’s autonomy for minor medical decisions.
• Conflict Resolution Boundary Example: Get a professional mediator or lawyer when disagreements can’t be resolved through direct communication.

Take Control With Co-Parenting Boundaries

Having co-parenting boundaries can be hard when your ex is difficult, toxic, or narcissistic.

But you can establish boundaries and stick to them on their own without their permission or respect.

Just remember that having boundaries isn’t about being mean or combative—it’s about taking back that control and creating a more peaceful and consistent situation for you and your child.

It may take time to build the confidence to have boundaries and it may take time to see the changes in your co-parenting situation.

But it’s an important first step in tampering the chaos and conflict.