Narcissists are masters of projection.

They project their own faults onto other people.

This can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you realize that this person doesn’t truly care about your feelings or well-being and is just trying to justify their own bad behavior by blaming someone else.

Which is usually you.

Narcissists will try to convince the world that they are sane and reasonable by trying to make you look insane and unreasonable.

And if they’ve broken you down to the point that you’re not sure about anything, you might start to believe them.

And if you don’t, you may feel like you have to defend yourself and set them straight.

Either way, the narcissist gets what they want—control over your emotions and experiences.

It’s scary, I know, but there are ways to handle a narcissist who calls you toxic:

How Do Narcissists Call Other People Toxic?

Sometimes the narcissist doesn’t come right out and say you are toxic.

They use certain tactics to manipulate and control people, and some of these can imply that they are trying to make you look bad in the relationship.

And understanding what they’re doing is the first step in recognizing and breaking patterns.

Projection

For instance, many narcissists will accuse their partners of cheating when they are cheating.

(Been there, done that!)

That’s called projection, like I mentioned above.

They blame you for what you’re doing wrong and you can’t convince them otherwise.

Gaslighting

Another tactic they may use is gaslighting, which is when they convince you that what you experienced isn’t real.

For example, you see a strange text message on their phone.

They delete it and say you never saw it.

Or you see them flirting with someone else and they tell you that you’re imagining things and that they were just being polite.

Then you start to doubt what you’re experiencing and they make you feel like you’re causing problems in the relationship.

Blame-Shifting

This is when they full on shift the blame for what they did onto you.

For instance, your partner yells at you over something stupid, but then says it’s your fault for making them angry.

That way, they can excuse their toxic behavior and push it onto you—if you weren’t so “toxic”, they wouldn’t end up yelling.

(Which, of course, is total bullshit.)

How to Cope When a Narcissist Calls You Toxic

Okay, so it sucks when a narcissist calls you toxic.

Either you start to buy into it or you feel like you have to defend yourself against it.

Or both.

But when it happens, remember that there’s no point in wasting your time trying to set them straight about what they’re saying.

You can’t control a narcissist, but you can take control of yourself and take back your power.

Here’s what you can do:

1 The Narcissist Isn’t In Your Life For You

It is important to remember that this person is not in your life for you.

They are there for their own benefit, and it doesn’t matter if they are hurting you or others in the process.

The truth is, if someone truly cared about your well-being and happiness, they wouldn’t be doing any of these things.

So when a narcissist calls you toxic, it’s just them doing something to hurt you and protect themselves.

It’s not personal!

Oftentimes, narcissists will come out and call you toxic because they realize the “mask” is slipping and you are seeing them for who they truly are.

So they have to deflect to maintain their image.

2 No Matter What They Say, You Are Not Toxic

Again, it’s not personal and it’s important to remember:

YOU ARE NOT TOXIC!

You are not a bad person and you did not cause these problems.

In fact, I bet you’re working your ass off to avoid problems—but yet they keep popping up.

That’s on the narcissist, not on you.

And you can’t change the way they feel or act, no matter what you try.

So don’t accept the burden of responsibility for things that aren’t yours to own or fix.

Oh, and even if you find you have lashed out against the narcissist, this doesn’t mean you’re toxic either.

This is called reactive abuse, and it’s actually a defense mechanism your brain uses to protect you from the abusive way they treat you.

3 Don’t Give Your Energy to This Person

This relates to not defending yourself or trying to set them straight.

I know how exhausting it is to try and change someone’s mind about me and get nowhere.

After a while, I learned not to waste my breath—or energy.

Narcissists operate by protecting their self-image, which means never admitting someone is better than them or when they are wrong.

When a narcissist calls you toxic, or implies that you are, they are not interested in having a real conversation about the issue.

They just want to push it on you, that’s all.

But remember, as much as the narcissist is trying to control you, you can control your own behaviors and actions.

Don’t let them pull you into arguments or pointless accusations.

4 Find People Who Will Always Support You

Narcissists will try to chip away at your identity so they can better control you.

This includes making you feel like the toxic partner.

That’s why it’s important to have people around you who know the real you.

They’ll tell you truth, even if it hurts.

But they’ll also support you through the frustration of being blamed for everything.

5 Know That This Isn’t Your Fault!

Again, this is not on you and it’s not your fault!

This is also not your problem to fix, and if you take it on as such, you’ll only be doing more damage to yourself in the long run.

You can’t fix the narcissist because they will never admit that they are the problem.

And you certainly shouldn’t try to fix yourself because you think you are toxic because you’re not!

You didn’t do anything to deserve being treated this way by the narcissist, except maybe offer them love and support because you thought you could encourage them to change.

All you can do now is learn how to protect yourself from narcissists by doing things like looking for red flags and establishing boundaries in your personal relationships.

6 Set Boundaries

I know it may seem hard to set boundaries with someone who has no respect for them, but it is possible!

You can walk away from toxic conversations.

You can also set conversation rules:

• “I’m not discussing this if all you’re going to do is argue.”
• “I’ll talk about this when you’re ready to listen.”
• “I’m tired of these accusations. You can’t convince me I’m wrong here.”

And, ultimately, you can leave the relationship.

Which I know is easier said than done, so it’s important to establish those boundaries.

Just remember that your boundaries can be spoken or unspoken and you don’t need their permission to have them.

7 Validate Your Own Feelings

You can buy yourself flowers.

And you can validate your own feelings.

Because the narcissist is going to try to make you feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive

Just remember that what you are feeling and experience are valid and real!

Validating your own emotions means acknowledging and accepting them as legitimate, even if they may be uncomfortable or difficult to experience.

Here are some ways to validate your own emotions:

• Recognize your emotions – Pay attention to your own emotional state and identify the specific emotions you are feeling. Name them and describe them as accurately as possible.
• Give yourself permission to feel – Accept that it’s normal and healthy to feel a wide range of emotions, even if they may be uncomfortable or difficult to experience.
• Don’t judge yourself – Avoid judging yourself for feeling a certain way or comparing your emotions to other people’s experiences. Remember that your emotions are valid and real, regardless of how others may perceive them.
• Express your emotions – Allow yourself to express your emotions in a healthy way, such as through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or engaging in a creative activity.
• Practice self-compassion – Be kind and compassionate to yourself, especially when you are experiencing difficult emotions. Treat yourself with the same level of care and compassion that you would offer to a friend in need.

Remember that validating your own emotions is an ongoing process that requires practice and patience!

It can be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can offer guidance and support as you navigate your emotional experiences.

8 Set Realistic Expectations

Narcissists are unlikely to change their behavior, so it’s important to set realistic expectations for any future interactions with them.

This may mean accepting that the relationship may never be healthy or fulfilling.

Setting realistic expectations with a narcissist can be challenging, as they often have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their behavior and may have a distorted view of reality.

Just remember to set your boundaries and stay calm and assertive. Avoid getting emotional or defensive, as this can make the situation worse.

You Are Not the Problem

You never were!

Because narcissists project onto other people, calling you toxic is really them recognizing somewhere in their subconscious that they are the toxic ones.

So when a narcissist calls you toxic, let it roll off your shoulders.

They are not worth your time when it comes to trying to set them safe or defend yourself!