I’m going to start by saying that I know women can be narcissists too. However, my experience centers on dealing with a narcissist baby daddy so that’s what I’m going to focus on in this article.
I know all too well the challenges that come with co-parenting with a narcissist. That’s why I harp on the importance of parallel parenting to avoid conflict and chaos.
But when it comes to dealing directly with a narcissist, there are some tools and tactics you can use to create a more peaceful situation. It will never be perfect, but it can be better!
Let’s start at the beginning with ending your relationship with a narcissist then look at how you can implement parallel parenting tactics to take control of the situation.
Breaking Up With a Narcissist When You Have a Child
I’ll admit, I was fortunate. I left my ex during my pregnancy so I never did have to deal with leaving him after our daughter was born.
Unfortunately, however, there are many moms who have tried to stay with their ex to raise their child together. In most cases, this does not work.
And leaving a narcissist can be extremely difficult because they have spent so much time and effort creating an environment of control and dependency. You may feel like you don’t have the strength or you are not good enough to do it on your own.
Repeat after me:
I can leave the narcissist and do it on my own.
Getting out may take some help, however. It’s important to have a solid support system you can rely on. Because narcissists purposely confuse their victims through tactics such as gaslighting, it can be hard to figure out what is real and what is not.
You may find yourself excusing their behaviors and believing their lies. You need someone on the outside who can help set you straight on the truth of the situation.
Turn to family and friends who know you well enough to know that the situation you are in is bad. If you don’t have anyone to turn to, meet with a therapist or counselor.
I know my biggest struggle in the years following my break up with my narcissistic ex was trying to figure out exactly what happened to me. I had to rely on the internet to guide me through the confusion and gain clarity.
Before you leave the narcissist, go find that clarity. Talk to friends, see a therapist, or join online support groups.
You can start by checking out my Facebook group Raising Your Child With a Narcissist!
Get a Court Order Right Away!
Once you leave, your narcissistic ex is going to try to win you back. They’ll do what is called “hoovering” where they shower you with compliments, make apologies, and threaten you to keep you in the relationship.
They may even start out by being completely agreeable when it comes to visitations, custody, and child support. Don’t be fooled! The narcissist can giveth but they can also taketh away.
Your best course of action is to get a court order immediately. This will make any arrangements you agree upon legal so they can’t mess around with custody and child support.
You can make the application yourself through family court or you can hire a lawyer to help you out. Many areas have programs such as Legal Aid that will provide you with a lawyer if you can’t afford one.
Even before you leave the narcissist, contact these programs. You want to get your ducks in a row as soon as possible to avoid any gray areas where the narcissist can further manipulate you.
Communicate Through Writing
Narcissists will change their story to suit their needs, so where they may tell you one thing today, they can completely flip the script tomorrow.
To keep your ex accountable, limit your communication to written forms such as emails and text messages.
Not only will this help you collect evidence of what the narcissist is saying but it will also help you avoid getting pulled into arguments and fights with your ex.
Also, keep the communication focused on the child. Don’t talk about your personal life or answer any personal questions. They don’t need to know what you are up to, only how their child is doing and when visitation and access will occur.
This is a tactic you’re going to want to use for the rest of your life as long as the narcissist is sticking around. Even if they stop trying to suck you back into a relationship, they are going to use your child to cause you grief.
The less you communicate with them, the better. Just be sure to inform them of any important information regarding your child.
Again, I talk a lot about parallel parenting but it’s really the only way to face the challenge of co-parenting with a narcissist.
The term “co-parenting” itself implies that both parents are willing to put in equal effort and parent respectively. The narcissist is not going to be capable of doing this because they are so focused on being “right” and getting back at you for leaving them.
Parallel parenting involves limited communication but also includes other techniques such as:
- Establish a parallel parenting plan or get a court order.
- Be business-like when communicating with the narcissist. Try not to get emotional.
- Do not give in to their nonsense. They will try to provoke you to get a reaction – don’t give them the satisfaction.
Most importantly, you’re going to have to support your child through this ordeal as well. Be sure to validate their emotions and create an environment of open communication. You need to be their safe space as they deal with this as well.
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse
So while you’re dealing with your ex, you also have to take care of yourself.
What narcissists do is abusive, even if they don’t physically lay a hand on you. The effects cut deep and it takes some time to get over what happened to you and move on with your life.
But it’s not impossible! In order to heal from narcissistic abuse, you need to work on trusting yourself again, forgiving yourself, and setting boundaries in your life.
Here are some ways you can move through the after-effects of narcissistic abuse:
- Block the narcissist out of your life. Again, don’t share personal information and don’t invite a friendly relationship.
- Remove other toxic people from your life. You don’t need ’em.
- Acknowledge your emotions and accept that they are going to be complex and confusing.
Most importantly, give yourself time to heal. This isn’t going to happen overnight.
How to Get Rid of a Narcissist Baby Daddy
Oh, how I wish there was an answer to this one. The sad fact is that, as long as the narcissist wants to be involved in their child’s life, they can.
Except, of course, if they pose a serious threat to the child.
Overall, if the courts decide that your ex has every right to be a parent, then they can. So, really, there’s no way to get rid of a narcissist baby daddy.
It could be that the less you feed into their narcissism, the more they will seek the attention and control they need elsewhere. They may start to have less and less to do with their child and eventually disappear.
But this is very rare and you need to prepare yourself for the long haul. Instead of wishing your narcissist baby daddy away, work on strengthening yourself mentally and emotionally (as well as your children) so that their behavior don’t negatively impact your life as much as they want them to.
Narcissist Baby Daddies Suck
And narcissist baby mamas do too! These people live to serve themselves and becoming a parent doesn’t magically transform them into a decent human being.
So if you’re stuck dealing with a narcissistic ex and you have a child together, it’s time to start building your own resolve, setting boundaries, and taking back your control.
The narcissist doesn’t need to know your “winning” for it to matter where it counts – in the lives of your children!
How about you? Are you dealing with a narcissist baby daddy? Let us know how it’s going in the comments below:
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