Chances are someone you know is narcissistic and uses manipulation as a way to control others.

And you might not even notice because they are good at hiding their true intentions behind charm and personality.

But knowing how to spot one is important because getting involved with a narcissist can be a painful experience.

It starts with recognizing the behaviors and looking for patterns.

I’m not saying someone who exhibits these behaviors is definitely a narcissist—but if they constantly behave in certain ways that are controlling and manipulative, chances are high that they are one.

So let’s take a look at how you can spot one from a mile away:

They Don’t Take Criticism Well

Narcissists don’t want to hear about their faults and they can get quite angry when they’re called out or criticized.

They get super defensive and oftentimes turn it around on the “accuser” instead of listening and taking responsibility.

This is called blame-shifting, when someone turns the fault onto someone else.

But it can also happen through gaslighting, where they deny what really happened and make others question their own experiences.

However, people with low self-confidence or self-esteem may default to defensive mode when criticized.

That’s why it’s important to understand narcissistic behaviors in general so you can look for those patterns of control and manipulation I mentioned.

They’re Not Good Listeners

Narcissists suck at listening because they don’t really care what you’re saying.

They interrupt, don’t ask questions, and have one-sided conversations.

If you’ve ever had this experience with someone:

• they talk over you or don’t let you finish your sentences
• they don’t listen when you try to tell them something important
• when something is wrong with them (and it usually is)
• they act like it’s all about how YOU made them feel instead of taking accountability for their actions

…then this person might be a narcissist!

They Show No Empathy for Others

Even though narcissists are capable of feeling empathy, they often choose to ignore it.

And it’s because they don’t care about other people’s feelings, and they don’t think about them either.

They’re out for themselves and it doesn’t matter who gets hurt along the way.

They see themselves as the most important person in every situation, so they don’t put much thought into what anyone else needs or wants out of life.

And They Can Be Extremely Manipulative and Controlling

One of the main hallmarks of narcissism, as I’ve mentioned, is control and manipulation.

They are very good at getting what they want from others, and that’s not just material things.

They want attention, they want to control your emotions and upset you, and they want things to go their way no matter what.

They will guilt, threaten and charm at the cost of others.

I could give so many examples here but basically it looks like:

• Making someone upset on purpose
• Isolating someone from friends and family
• Guilt-tripping when someone sets a boundary
• Withholding affection to punish
• Using resources (money, transportation, etc.) to control someone
• Acting like a victim so the other person feels responsible
• Making decisions for someone else
• Twisting someone’s words to make them doubt what they said or meant

If a Narcissist Sees Something They Want, They’ll Do Whatever It Takes to Get It

Narcissists are very charming and persuasive, like an expert salesman who can sell you anything.

When I first met my narcissistic ex, he sold me on all these dreams and ambitions he had to be successful.

I thought, “Great, this is someone I can build a life with!”

But it was all lies to lure me into a co-habitating situation—he just needed a place to stay to get his life together and then he was going to do amazing things.

And he manipulated me for two years to secure a place to live while not working and being a complete jackass.

He was persistent, as most narcissists are.

He wore down my defenses and my patience to the point where I didn’t argue anything anymore.

I even tried to kick him out and he just wouldn’t go.

So beware of those who try to sell you a dream and won’t take “no” for an answer.

And don’t let people wear you down to the point where you just agree because it’s easy.

Narcissism vs. Everything Else

“Narcissists might be very charming early on in a relationship — and then things start changing,” says Jennifer Muir, PhD, a psychologist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. “And there’s never a specific point at which you can say, ‘Okay, now this is definitely a narcissistic person.'”

Narcissism is a spectrum, and “Some people are very high in narcissism, and others are not,” says Muir. “If someone has a lot of insecurity or self-doubt—which most people do—then they may have some qualities of narcissism.”

It’s not always obvious from the beginning whether someone has this personality disorder or not.

Some people are just assholes.

But narcissism serves a very specific function and that’s, again, manipulation and control in order to self-preserve.

Think of it this way:

Someone posts a selfie looking for positive comments.

When they don’t get what they want, they post something about how everyone sucks.

Kind of an asshole move.

Now imagine someone else posting that selfie then going door-to-door to everyone they know and punching them in the face until they post a positive comment.

And they keep doing it until people start posting the positive comments on their own.

That example may be a bit extreme but that’s narcissism: a set of calculating behaviors that achieve something at the expense of other people.

Recognize Signs of Narcissism to Protect Yourself From Them

Recognizing the signs of narcissism is important because it can help you avoid people who are manipulative and controlling.

Or it can help you figure out the types of people you’re already dealing with.

Just remember that you owe a narcissist nothing and you are not responsible for their needs or shortcomings.

And it’s okay to cut people out of your life that behave like this.