One of the biggest misunderstandings I see out in the world when it comes to co-parenting is that custody and visitation are the same thing.

I see it all the time on Reddit — get sole custody so your ex can’t see your kid.

Although this advice is usually well-meaning (based on an abusive ex or situation), sole custody does not dictate visitation rights.

Sure, a lawyer in family court is going to explain that to anyone, but it’s important to know the difference before getting into any legal discussions with your ex.

And it’s also important to understand so you don’t have expectations about the outcome of a court order.

Because, nine times out of ten, as long as the judge or case master don’t see any clear and present danger to your child, their other parent will get visitation or “parenting time.”

But, that can happen even if they aren’t given any sort of custody.

Let’s take a look at what I mean:

What is Custody?

Custody is the legal rights and responsibilities a parent has when it comes to raising their child.

This includes major decisions about things like the child’s health, education, religion, and overall well-being.

There are two types of custody:

• Sole Custody: This is when one parent makes these decisions without having to discuss them with the other parent.
• Joint Custody: This is when both parents share responsibility and have to make decisions together.
• Joint Custody with Final Say: This is when both parents have to discuss decisions but one parent ultimately makes the final decision.

These two types of custody don’t have anything to do with parenting time or where the child lives.

When it comes to where the child lives, that’s called physical custody.

Basically, legal custody is about who gets to make the big decisions.

What is Visitation?

Visitation, or “parenting time,” is the time a parent spends with their child when they don’t have full physical custody.

So if your child lives with you and you have primary custody, your ex would likely get a set schedule of visits.

This could be weekends, holidays, or certain evenings.

Some parents can create their own flexible arrangements, while others need to follow a court order.

In cases where safety is a concern, visits might need to be supervised.

The goal of visitation is to keep both parents involved in the child’s life as much as possible.

Want ready-to-use tools to keep things calm and organized?

My co-parenting printables include trackers, logs, and scripts you can download and use right away.

Starting at just $0.99!

Check out my printables today!

What Does This Look Like for Parallel Parenting?

In parallel parenting, custody and visitation agreements are typically structured differently than in traditional co-parenting arrangements.

Because communication is a huge part of determining custody, most of the time you’re going to see sole custody.

For example, when our custody battle went to trial, my lawyer demonstrated how my ex was incapable of communicating with me despite my attempts to be rational and civil.

The judge determined that it wouldn’t be in the best interest of my child for us to be arguing all the time, so she gave me sole custody.

Visitation can also differ from traditional co-parenting situations.

Instead of flexible schedules, parallel parenting schedules are usually more rigid so that one parent can’t cause conflict or manipulate the agreement.

Along with custody and visitation, a court order based on parallel parenting may also include provisions, such as:

• How parents communicate (text, email, etc.)
• What they can communicate about (i.e., they can only talk about things related to the child)
• Who is present during drop-offs and pick-ups
• Where drop-offs and pick-ups take place

The basis of parallel parenting is to limit contact, so you can see how court orders in these situations try to keep things tight so there’s no room for manipulation.

(Although toxic and narcissistic co-parents will always find a way. Check out my article here about manipulation.)

Understanding Custody and Visitation

Custody and visitation are two separate but connected parts of a parenting agreement.

But in high-conflict situations, traditional co-parenting can be tough to manage, which is where parallel parenting comes in.

When this approach is applied to custody and visitation, it allows both parents to stay involved in their child’s life with minimal direct interaction.

This helps reduce conflict and keeps the focus on the child’s well-being.

So if you find yourself unable to come to agreements with your ex, it may be time to talk to a lawyer about a court order that includes custody and visitation.

And don’t be surprised if it’s a very rigid agreement in the beginning—this will make a huge difference when it comes to conflict! <3

• Co-Parenting 101
• Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
• Co-Parenting Boundaries to Keep Your Sanity
• How to Put Your Kids First While Co-Parenting