How to Get Over a Narcissist: 8 Steps To Heal and Move On

February 10, 2022
by Chelsy

How to Get Over a Narcissist: 8 Steps To Heal and Move On

By Chelsy
February 10, 2022

It seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? You fought against the abuse and finally broke free and now you don’t know how to get over the narcissist.

You’re probably asking yourself, “Why do I still love them? Why do I still care?”

Well, you are not crazy and you are not alone. Many people who leave these types of relationships find themselves struggling to get over a narcissist.

It’s in the narcissist’s very nature to behave in certain ways in order to gain control over you. The way this treatment affects you doesn’t magically dissipate after the relationship is over.

Let’s start by looking at what happens after you love and leave a narcissist:

How to Get Over a Narcissist

Before we look at how to get over a narcissist, it’s important to understand why those feelings are still lingering despite everything that happened.

There are many things in play here. Maybe you have a kid together and are holding onto the idea of having a “perfect family”. Or maybe you miss the times when the narcissist made you feel really good about yourself.

Narcissistic behaviors are complex but their underlying goal is to confuse you and break you down to the point where you rely solely on the narcissist for support and comfort. This is how they trap you.

Once you break free of that, you are left with a void that you then have to relearn how to fill yourself – which is one of the most difficult stages of healing after narcissistic abuse.

It’s natural to want to gravitate back to that source, that familiarity. But you know deep down that the narcissist is not going to change and returning to them would mean walking right back into the same abusive relationship you left.

Yet the feelings remain and it’s difficult to disconnect yourself from your ex when you can’t bring yourself to get over them.

When you are in this situation, there are things you can do to begin that separation and allow yourself the space to rediscover yourself and heal.

1. Stop Analyzing and Rationalizing What Happened

I always stress the importance of understanding narcissism in order to understand the situation you were in. By learning about this mental disorder, you can start to gain clarity about what happened to you.

However, if you find yourself constantly analyzing and obsessing over what happened, it’s time to stop.

Give yourself grace and understand that there was nothing you could have done differently to make the situation better. Likewise, there is no good reason why the narcissist treated you the way they did.

There is no explanation and no changing things. Period.

Now is the time to accept that you no longer need the narcissist in your life. If this means finding healthy ways to otherwise occupy your mind (video games, Netflix, taking naps, etc.) then do what you have to do to distract yourself from analyzing, obsessing, and rationalizing.

2. Acknowledge Your Feelings

While you want to find ways to distract yourself from intrusive thoughts, it’s important to be real and honest with yourself about how you feel.

You are allowed to grieve during this process and part of that means feeling negative emotions such as anger and sadness.

Let yourself feel grateful that you can finally FINALLY release all of the feelings you kept bottled up during the relationship.

Whether you express yourself to a friend, a therapist, or your journal, you are free to feel and talk about your feelings with no more judgment or dismissiveness from the narcissist.

3. Do Things That Used to Make You Happy

While they may not make you feel happy right now while you are getting over the narcissist, return to the activities you used to enjoy.

This is where your old self exists. You’ll either reconnect with that person or realize that you have grown and changed into someone new.

Either way, engaging in activities you once enjoyed will help you find yourself, distract yourself, and discover what you want and don’t want in life.

Taking the first step in this stage of healing after narcissistic abuse is difficult but giving yourself that push will help you move past the longing and heartache.

4. Stop Blaming Yourself

How much of your relationship with the narcissist involved you getting blamed for EVERYTHING? You were probably told on a regular basis how much you “overreact” or are to blame for the narcissist’s behaviors.

Guess what? Blame time is over! These accusations were not true then and they are not true now.

Narcissism is a diagnosable mental disorder that develops over a long period of time. There is nothing you did to make your ex “narcissistic” and you are not the reason they acted the way that they did.

Narcissism is also hard to diagnose and get treatment for so there was nothing more you could have done to “help” or “change” them.

.

5. Don’t Give Them Your Sympathy

It’s possible that something horrible happened to the narcissist over the course of their lifetime to make them the way they are but you are not responsible for that and they tried to take it out on you.

Therefore, they do not deserve your sympathy.

It doesn’t matter what they went through, their crappy coping skills are no excuse for you to accept how poorly you were treated.

Do I personally pity narcissists? I do because they had very little control over the way their mind developed and how they developed twisted perceptions of themselves and the world.

Do I sympathize with them? Absolutely not. They are cognizant human beings who choose to treat people in vile ways. This is unacceptable.

6. Limit Your Contact or Go No Contact

Once the relationship is over, part of how to get over a narcissist is realizing that there is nothing to go back to. For that reason, there is no reason to keep in touch.

I know it’s hard to quit someone cold turkey. You want to ease yourself out of the connection you had by talking to them or seeing them – but this doesn’t work with a narcissist.

They will try to “hoover” you back into a relationship by pulling out all of the charming moves that hooked you in the first place. If you’re not careful, you could end up back where you started and right where they want you – under their control.

Your best course of action is to cut all ties with the narcissist. That means blocking them on social media, on your phone, not talking to them, etc.

Unless, of course, you have children together. Then you’ll want to limit communication to need-to-know information in written forms. You can learn more about doing that, and other parallel parenting skills, here.

7. Learn How to Love and Trust Yourself

As I mentioned, leaving a narcissist means facing a void. Sure, they didn’t exactly fill that void with warm and fuzzy feelings, but there was something there that is now suddenly gone.

That void is you and for so long you weren’t able to be yourself – you had to be who the narcissist wanted you to be.

One of the last stages of healing after narcissistic abuse is learning how to love and trust yourself again. You need to fill that void with yourself by focusing on your own self-care, wants, and needs.

You need to start trusting yourself again as well. Because the narcissist forced you to rely on them when it comes to making decisions, it’s hard to suddenly start making your own choices in the real world.

It takes time and baby steps but the more you treat yourself with kindness and make decisions, the more you will fill that void, and the less you will feel that something is missing in your life.

8. Seek Support and Professional Help

The type of abuse you faced from the narcissist is complex and subtle, meaning that their abusive tactics weren’t easily noticeable.

You were treated in a way to create confusion and eradicate who you really are. That hurt runs deep.

So there’s nothing wrong with seeking professional help. You are currently existing in a huge tangled web of hurt and confusion that a therapist or counselor can help you work through.

There are also some great online support groups you can join where you can share your feelings and experiences with people who have been through the same thing and can understand you on a deeper level.

But don’t be afraid to lean on your friends and family as well. They may not completely understand what you went through but they can help you find yourself again and get over the narcissist.

Why Is It So Hard Getting Over a Narcissist?

Because they treated you in such as way that it would be hard to get over them in order to keep you “trapped”.

However, you can get over a narcissist and complete your journey of healing from narcissistic abuse – it just takes some work and introspection.

At the end of the day, if you have to write out a list of all the horrible things the narcissist did to you and read it every time you feel a pang of guilt or longing, do it.

Now is YOUR time to do the things you need to do to feel normal again!

You got this!

Have you left a narcissist? How did you get over the leftover feelings? Share your experience in the comments!

0 Comments

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

Get In Touch!

PHP Code Snippets Powered By : XYZScripts.com