It’s not easy explaining the complexities of human behavior to a child.
Especially when those behaviors are controlling and manipulative.
And coming from their other parent.
I know I’ve written about how to explain a toxic parent’s behaviors to a child, but if your ex has narcissistic tendencies, how do you explain that?
How do you explain something like gaslighting and triangulation to your kid?
Do you really need to?
I think it’s important to help your child understand what they are experiencing.
But that doesn’t mean you have to get into the nitty-gritty details, or even call it narcissism.
You can explain narcissism to a child without getting technical and by addressing the specific behaviours your child is experiencing in an age-appropriate way.
Here are some tips to help you out:
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How to Explain Narcissism to a Child
1 Identify the Emotions
Your child is not going to be able to come right out and tell you they are being manipulated.
All they understand is that they don’t like the way they are being treated.
For younger children, it’s difficult to articulate the feelings they have, especially when it comes to their other parent.
Children are biologically wired to love their parents unconditionally, so when they are treated in ways they don’t like, they are often confused at first.
Listen to what your child has to tell you and then give them the words to help them identify how it made them feel.
By pairing how they feel with how their other parent is treating them, you can start to identify the narcissistic-type tactics being used.
2 Help Them Make Sense of It
As much as we would love to explain to our children why their other parent acts a certain way, we don’t 100% for sure know why.
Instead, it’s important to help your child make sense of how they feel.
You don’t need to label the behavior or explain every detail.
You need to give them permission to notice, name, and talk about things that don’t feel good, while also reminding them that they are not to blame.
For example, you could say:
“Sometimes, people act in ways that don’t feel fair or kind, even if they say they care about us.”
“Sometimes, people might blame others for things, change the rules a lot, or make us feel like we always have to do everything right to be loved.”
“I know you feel really confused by the way [other parent] is treating you, but it’s not your fault.”
“If anything ever feels off or makes you feel not right, it’s okay to talk about it.”
“You’re allowed to feel this way, even if someone disagrees.”
Just remember to keep it simple and remind them that they are always safe with you and can talk about anything.
3 Emphasize Empathy
Teach your child the importance of empathy and how to recognize other people’s emotions.
You can explain that maybe their other parent has a hard time understanding how other people feel, so they don’t know how their behavior affects them.
In reality, lack of empathy is a narcissistic trait.
Narcissistic people have an inflated sense of self-importance and excessive need for attention, and these things overrule how other people feel.
By explaining things from the standpoint of empathy, you are:
A. Ensuring your child that they did nothing wrong.
B. Teaching them the importance of considering the feelings of others.
Teaching them about empathy, even in the context of explaining their other parent, will help them development healthier relationships throughout their lifetime.
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4 Encourage Healthy Self-Esteem
Exploring their other parent’s behaviors is also a great opportunity to encourage healthy self-esteem.
There is a huge different between healthy self-esteem and narcissism.
But while you don’t want to get into technical terminology, you can emphasize the importance of valuing yourself while also valuing and respecting others.
I’ll be honest with you – part of addressing your child’s concerns regarding their other parent is helping your child build resilience against them while avoiding the long-term affects of toxic parenting.
Yes, you’re helping your child make sense of the situation, but you’re also helping them build the strength to grow beyond it.
By helping them differentiate between healthy confidence and self-esteem and ego, you’re teaching them that how their other parent acts is wrong without coming out and saying it.
Your child will begin to recognize behaviors such as putting other people down and blame-shifting without having to point them out.
And the more they understand how those behaviors make them feel bad, the less likely they are to repeat them.
Pair that with the confidence and self-esteem you are helping them develop and you will have a happy, healthy, well-rounded child (despite their other parent…or in spite of them!)
5 Encourage Your Child to Talk and Ask Questions
A huge part of helping your child understand their other parent is creating an environment of openness and honesty.
Encourage your child to ask questions and express their feelings and be prepared to answer their questions in a way that is age-appropriate and supportive.
Sometimes all you need to do is let your child talk through what’s happening and the way they feel.
This is important because sometimes what they express as “bad” behavior from their other parent is merely their other parent, well, parenting.
And sometimes talking it out is enough to clear it off their plate.
However, you know your ex, so you’ll be able to recognize a pattern of poor and unfair treatment.
Letting them talk and ask questions also helps them feel heard and seen, things they may not get from their other parent.
Validate the way they feel (even if it seems disproportionate to what is really going on) and be sure they never feel ashamed to ask questions.
As I mentioned, children are wired to unconditionally love their parents, so speaking negatively about one can be difficult.
They may feel guilty or like they’ll get in trouble for bringing it up.
So listen to your child without judgment, and don’t try to change the way they feel.
Encourage them to ask the questions and provide simple and relevant answers.
6 Be Age-Appropriate
I mentioned being age-appropriate, but let’s dig into that a bit more.
Make sure you are explaining things based on your child’s age and level of understanding.
Younger children often need simpler explanations, while older children may be able to handle more complex concepts.
But this doesn’t mean that you need to lay out what narcissism is to your teenager.
What you can do for older children is give more nuanced examples and explain a bit more the idea of how people act when they lack empathy or place more importance on themselves then others.
For younger children, the focus should be on reassuring them that the way they feel and the way they are treated are not their fault.
If you want more detailed examples of what to say in different situations, check out my article here.
How to Deal With the Narcissist as a Parent
It’s one thing to explain narcissism to a child and another when it comes to how you deal with the narcissist.
When your child’s other parent is narcissistic, it’s a complicated juggling act between taking care of your side of things and taking care of your child.
But addressing both sides is necessary when it comes to making the situation better for your family.
If you’re not sure how to deal with a narcissist, here are steps to get you started:
Don’t Directly Confront Them
I hate even writing that because I’m a firm believer in standing up for our children, but hear me out:
Directly confronting a narcissistic parent about harmful behaviors does not stop the behavior.
In fact, it can make things worse for the child.
So while it’s natural to want to protect your child by calling it out, the safest and most effective response it to focus on supporting your child, document what is being said, and minimizing conflict.
Narcissistic people rarely take responsibility and often twist things into victimhood or increase their targeting of the child as punishment (which may cause the child to not talk about what is going on).
I know, it sucks, but there are ways you can help your child without directly engaging or accusing their other parent.
Document Everything Factually
Keep a dated record of what your child said, when, and in what context.
While this may not directly stop the behavior, it can be super useful when it comes to court decisions, court reports, or therapy for your child.
Documentation shows a pattern, so even if you think your child’s concern isn’t that big of a deal at the time, jot it down.
You never know if it’ll keep popping up or escalate into something worse.
When You Need to Address It
Saying not to bring it up doesn’t mean you should never bring it up.
There are certain situations when you should address the concern, like protecting your child in a legal or safety context.
If your child is in immediate danger or clearly being harmed, you have to address it through proper channels like documentation, court, therapist, or a doctor.
But if you do feel like you need to address your ex directly, think about if doing so will make things worse for your child.
And use neutral, specific language that avoid accusations while keeping it child-focused, like:
“Child came home and said they were laughed at when they cried. Let’s make sure we are supporting their emotional expression, no matter why they are upset.”
It’s clear, non-accusatory, and about the child’s need, not your ex’s behavior.
AND DO THIS IN WRITING.
Send a text or an email so you have documentation of what you said as well as their response.
I would also like to mention that in some situations it may be helpful to ask your child if they would like you to address it.
Or, at the very least, let your child know you are going to discuss it with their other parent.
The last thing you want is for your child to feel betrayed that you went behind their back.
Explaining Narcissism to a Child
The good news is that you don’t have to explain “narcissism” a child.
But trying to help them make sense of their other parent’s behavior is still tricky.
Just remember that the main goal is making sure your child understands that the way they are treated is not their fault.
And that they can talk to you about anything or ask any questions without judgment.
At the end of the day, you are not responsible for their narcissistic parent’s behavior.
However, you can help your child cope without taking responsibility for those behaviors.
The most important thing is that they know that they are loved and have someone who cares about them unconditionally no matter what happens in life! <3
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