Parenting can be a challenging journey, especially when you’re trying to co-parent with a narcissistic or toxic ex-partner.

And unfortunately, the children often get caught in the crossfire, which can lead to struggles such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and emotional dysregulation.

Great, right?

Sometimes we get so focused on handling a toxic co-parenting ourselves that we forget our children are affected too.

And while we’re flailing about trying to get our footing with co-parenting or parallel parenting, they are struggling to handle all the mixed signals, arguments and conflicts happening around them.

So it’s natural for them to lash out and act like they’re taking crazy pills.

However, as a (good) parent, you can help them develop emotional regulation skills!

These skills will help your child manage their feelings, improving their mental and emotional health.

Here’s how:

Emotional Dysregulation in Children: What Is It?

Emotional dysregulation is a term used to describe difficulties in managing emotions.

In children, it‘ manifests as an‘s usually the inability to control emotional responses, leading to intense outbursts, mood swings, and struggles with calming down after becoming upset.

Keep in mind that this is a normal part of childhood development.

They call them the Terrible Two’s (or Asshole Three’s) for a reason!

But recognizing when it’s becoming a problem is important, especially when your child is dealing with a toxic or narcissistic parent.

In these situations, kids are likely already exposed to more stress and tension than normal.

And then emotional dysregulation (even if it’s normal) can make things worse for them.

If you’re not sure what emotional dysregulation looks like, here are some common signs:

• Explosive Outbursts: This is explosive anger or frustration, often disproportionate to the situation, and not obviously tied to something else (like being hungry or overtired).
• Frequent Mood Swings: This looks like going from happy to sad very quickly. If it happens a lot, it can be emotionally exhausting.
• Difficulty Calming Down: Most kids can be calmed down fairly easily, but a dysregulated child may struggle with this. They may not be able to self-soothe or accept comfort.
• Impulsivity: Emotional dysregulation can also lead to impulsive behavior like acting without thinking through the consequences.

I just want to touch on the hungry/tired thing again real quick.

When kids are uncomfortable, especially young ones, they are going to have tantrums and meltdowns.

This is completely normal!

What isn’t normal is these things getting in the way of daily living.

What’s also not normal is noticing when these things happen after triggers like arguments between you and your ex, being mistreated by their other parent, their other parent missing visits, etc.

But before you go into panic mode, here are some ways you can help your child calm down and better control their feelings:

How to Calm a Dysregulated Child

When your child becomes emotionally dysregulated, it can help to know how to help them calm down.

These tips are useful whether your child is having a normal meltdown or something more intense.

Knowing how to calm them is also important in determining just how bad the emotional dysregulation is.

If you find these techniques work, just keep using them; there’s no need to assume the worst.

However, if you find yourself constantly calming your kid down and the outbursts aren’t subsiding, it’s probably time to chat with a professional.

Stay Calm

First and foremost, stay calm.

Even if your child has lost control of their emotions, they are paying attention to how you are reacting.

If you get upset, it’s only going to fuel the fire!

Take a deep breath and try to stay composed, even if you are frustrated or upset that your child is upset.

If you have to let them kick and scream it out for a few moments, take that time.

I know it’s hard, but try to approach the situation while composed.

Active Listening

Listening is one of the most powerful tools you have to help your child regulate their emotions.

This is especially true if their other parent doesn’t listen to them.

Give your child your full attention and use empathetic statements like, “I understand that you’re mad. What’s going on?”

(This also helps them label and identify their emotions, which is another big part of emotional regulation!)

If you can get your kid to talk, that’s great!

Encouraging them to express their feelings while validating their emotions is a great way to help your child know that it’s okay to feel what they are feeling.

If your child doesn’t feel like talking, that’s okay too.

Just give them time to come down before encouraging them to open up.

Safe and Supportive Space

When a child has lost control of their emotions, especially if nothing will calm them down, it’s important to give them a safe space to retreat to.

For a while, my kiddo had a “nest” in their closet with blankets, pillows, and fidgets.

Your child may not naturally use this space when they are upset or sad, so it’s important to encourage it whenever you can.

It’s helpful to have them hang out in this space when they are calm, so they can build a positive connection with it.

Just don’t “send” them to their safe space when they are having big emotions – this will make it feel like a punishment.

Instead, you can say something like, “Do you want to go to your nest to calm down?” or “Do you need some alone time?”

And then when they are in their safe space, let them do whatever they need to, like screaming or crying, to help them get their feelings out.

(As long as they aren’t hurting themselves, damaging stuff, or hurting you!)

Distraction and Redirection

Sometimes, it’s okay to distract your child to shift their focus away from what’s causing their emotional distress.

As long as you’re not ignoring the underlying issue, it’s okay to get their mind off of it for a while (at least long enough for them to calm down).

However, make sure you’re not rewarding them!

You don’t want to teach your child that they can get something they like by becoming emotional, so I would stay away from treats or tangible items like candy or toys.

Instead, engage them in something they are interested in, like watching a show together, drawing together, or going for a walk/drive.

Then, when they are calm, you can encourage them to talk or help them identify their feelings (just don’t force them if they’re not ready).

Be Patient

Trust me, I know how painful it is to watch a child lose emotional control.

It can also be frustrating because you want to do anything you can to help the feelings stop.

But dealing with emotional dysregulation takes time and patience. 

Just because one way to deal with the dysregulation doesn’t work the first time doesn’t mean you should give up.

Keep using these strategies, and eventually, something will work for your child!

How Do You Teach Children Emotional Regulation?

So we’ve talked about how to calm your child down when they are having an emotional outburst, but how can you teach your child emotional regulation to avoid them in the future?

Let’s take a look at some strategies and techniques you can use to teach your child how to regulate their emotions effectively:

Open Communication

When children feel like they can openly talk about things with you, they are less likely to bottle them up inside.

Make sure your home is an open communication zone – a place where they feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings without being judged.

This means using those active listening skills I mentioned before and not trying to convince your child to stop feeling a certain way.

I know it’s instinctual to show your child that what’s upsetting them isn’t that bad, but until your child learns better control of their feelings, this is not helpful.

I know I’ve said it a time or two: “I know you’re upset but it’s not that bad.”

If you’ve done this too, I know you’re not trying to minimize your child’s feelings, but that’s how it’s going to feel.

(On a side note, sometimes we talk about whether something is worth getting upset about and I let my kiddo decide for themselves if it is. Or we talk about a more appropriate-for-the-situation way to feel. For example, “Is it worth getting mad when someone doesn’t hold the door for you? Or is it just really frustrating?”)

Anyway, make sure you always encourage your child to express their feelings openly and validating their feelings.

This will show them that their emotions are valid and worthy.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries give children a sense of structure and security.

That means allowing children to establish their own boundaries but also setting boundaries for them.

For instance, maybe they don’t want to be hugged when they are upset, which is a perfectly acceptable boundary.

On the other hand, it’s also a reasonable boundary to say to your child, “You can’t slam your door when you’re mad.”

So then the expectation when they are mad is that they can go to their room to be alone but they can’t slam things around.

When your child understands the limits, they can start to better regulate their emotions within those boundaries.

Just make sure you clearly define acceptable behavior and consequences for crossing boundaries.

If they slam their door? Maybe they have to keep their door open for the next hour while they are in their room.

Don’t forget to reward good behavior too!

Let’s say your child gets angry, runs to their room, and goes on their bed to scream it out into a pillow.

Once they are calmed down, praise them for making a good choice: “Screaming into your pillow was a great way to deal with your anger. I’m proud of you.”

Sometimes we get so caught up in correcting behaviors that we forget to point out the ones they get right.

Encourage Self-Awareness

I’m an adult, and sometimes I can’t even sort out how I’m feeling.

So how can we expect children to do the same?

We can help them, though, by helping them identify and explore their emotions.

“How are you feeling right now?”

“Why do you think you got so sad?”

Asking questions like these promotes introspection so that your child can start recognizing how they feel and what causes it.

We’re not asking our kids to stop themselves from feeling a certain way, but by understanding what is causing the feeling, kids can start to learn problem-solving skills to better manage the feeling.

They can start learning how to avoid certain triggers, how to mental prepare for situations, or how to process the feeling when it does happen.

Seek Professional Support

In the end, there are some struggles that we as parents can’t 100% help with, and that’s okay.

Sometimes we need help helping our kids, and there’s nothing wrong with talking to a professional.

A child therapist or counselor can provide specialized guidance and interventions to help your kiddo based on their unique needs.

I’m sitting here writing about how to help your kid with their feelings, but I’ve had mine seeing a therapist for a couple of years now.

Between what I’m doing to help support my child and a professional, my child’s emotional regulation has improved drastically!

And I’ve learned a thing or two along the way that work for my child and their unique situation.

Never feel afraid to reach out for help!

Empowering Your Child: Building Emotional Resilience Together

Whether you’re child is struggling emotionally because of a toxic parent or they are just going through normal emotional development, there are ways that you can help them through it.

Helping your child with emotional regulation is a powerful way to support their well-being.

If your child is dealing with big emotions, I know it can be hard to watch.

As parents, we want to be able to swoop and fix everything so our kids are never sad or upset again.

And then we do try things that don’t work, we think we’re doing it wrong.

Being a parent is like throwing spaghetti at a wall – we need to be patient and keep trying until we find a strategy that “sticks.”

But we’ll figure it out, it just takes time! <3