Does it feel like co-parenting with your ex is simply impossible?

When I started co-parenting, I had no idea what to expect.

I knew my ex would be difficult, but I couldn’t predict the degree to which he would purposefully make my life hell in the process (even ten years later).

Every interaction was a power struggle, every conversation a trap – and although I did my best to focus on my child’s well-being, it was getting harder and harder with all the stress.

Thankfully, over time, I learned a thing or two when it came to dealing with him.

And while the situation never ended up perfect, it did end up manageable and the chaos that once surrounded my life started to dissipate.

If you’re in a similar situation and don’t know what to do, that’s okay!

I was there too and now I want to help you out by giving you a list of things I wish I knew before co-parenting with a narcissist:

What is Narcissistic Co-Parenting?

Narcissistic co-parenting can feel like walking on eggshells every single day.

It involves sharing custody with someone who prioritizes their own needs, manipulates situations, and lacks empathy.

Instead of working together to co-parent your child, you may feel like you’re constantly defending yourself or trying to protect your child from unnecessary drama.

However, figuring out how to deal with a narcissistic co-parent is possible when you have the right strategies!

My Advice for Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

Over the years, I had to learn some tough lessons about how to co-parent with my ex.

Back then, I didn’t know what the term “narcissist” truly meant, let alone what I was dealing with.

What I wouldn’t have given for a manual on how to deal with a narcissistic co-parent! (Which is why I wrote the book!)

Here are some of things I learned that have helped me stay sane and focus on taking care of myself and my child:

1 Document Everything

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Whether it’s to hold your ex accountable or to submit as evidence during a custody trial, every interaction, agreement, and and exchange should be documented!

This means keeping a record of all your text messages, emails, and making notes of any verbal conversations.

If your ex changes plans last minute, makes accusations, or throws around threats, having detailed records can protect you.

I know that keeping track of everything can be stressful, which is why I recommend
OurFamilyWizard. It’s an app that helps with communication, schedules, and more.

You can give the free trial a try and see what you think!

2 Limit Face-to-Face Interactions

Whenever possible, try to stick to emails or texts when it comes to communication.

I know you’re going to have to face your ex when it comes to pick-ups and drop-offs (unless you have a neutral third party that can help you out), so it’s not always possible to eliminate face-to-face conversations.

However, when it comes to hashing out issues or making changes, try to stick to written forms.

Face-to-face interactions often give narcissistic co-parents an opportunity to escalate conflicts or manipulate situations – so stick to texts and email whenever possible!

3 Bite My Tongue

In the beginning of my co-parenting journey, I didn’t hold back when it came to telling my ex how I felt about his behavior.

It’s natural to get angry and say things to your ex that don’t come off as civil – guaranteed they deserve it.

But while it’s tempting to respond when they provoke (and that’s exactly what they’re doing!), staying silent can save you from unnecessary battles and starve out some of their behaviors.

What they want is to get a reaction out of you and take joy in your anger.

If you don’t give them that satisfaction, they may stop trying – so biting your tongue is definitely worth it.

That doesn’t mean you have to let them get away with their bullshit, just pick your battles wisely and focus on issues that directly impact your child.

4 Don’t Defend Myself

When someone insults you, what’s the first thing you want to do?

That’s right – defend yourself.

It’s a totally natural reaction, but there are three reasons why you shouldn’t waste your time defending yourself to a narcissist:

1. They don’t care and they won’t listen to you or change their “opinion” of you.
2. Their “opinion” is bullshit anyway – they’ll say whatever it takes to get you upset – plus who are they to determine who you are as a person?
3. You’ll only end up frustrated because it won’t change anything.

I eventually had to convince myself that anyone who believed what my ex was saying was not anyone I wanted in my life, so it didn’t really matter what he said to anyone else.

And I really had to convince myself that none of what he was saying was true.

Narcissists thrive on arguments and they want to pull you into a verbal battle by forcing you to defend yourself – don’t give them the satisfaction.

5 Don’t Explain Myself

You don’t have to defend yourself, and you don’t have to explain yourself either.

The more you justify your choices to your narcissistic ex, the more ammunition you’re giving them.

They’ll often twist your words or use them against you.

Plus, by questioning your choices, they are trying to devalue you and make you feel like garbage.

Don’t let them beat you down to their level – make your choices with confidence and keep any explanations to a minimum.

6 Don’t Fall for Fake Kindness

Over the years I’ve heard it all:

• “I still love you.”
• “You’re the best mother to our child.”
• “I can help you go back to school.” (When I never once indicated I had any desire to go back to school.)

There were times when my ex would show moments of kindness or cooperation.

In the beginning, I took these as signs that maybe things were going to work out in our co-parenting relationship – but I was very, very wrong.

When it comes to narcissists, they will use this tactic to regain control of you and the situation.

Stay cautious of this fake kindness and stick to your boundaries.

Don’t let your ex do you any favors (especially when it comes to money). They will only use this against you in the future.

7 Set Personal Boundaries

Speaking of boundaries, they are your best defense against a narcissistic co-parent.

Because we had a court order, I thought I had zero control over the situation since we had to follow the agreement to the letter.

However, there were many things I learned I had control over:

• How we communicated (text only!)
• What I would reply to (for example, I would not respond to him unless it was to do with my child and required a minimal answer)
• Whether or not he was allowed near my home (which was a big no)
• What I told him about my life (which was zero)

Even if you have to follow a court order, there are boundaries you can set to keep your ex out of your life as much as possible.

Just make it clear what is and isn’t acceptable in your interactions and stick to those limits!

8 Trust My Instincts

Narcissists are skilled manipulators!

They use some really disgusting tactics to control and manipulate people, such as gaslighting, love bombing, and intimidation.

Your gut will tell you when something isn’t right, and you need to trust it!

For example, if your ex is suddenly being kind to you but your gut is telling you it’s fake, it is.

If your ex is trying to force you to parent a certain way and it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

Trust your instincts, especially when it comes to decisions involving your child.

9 Follow the Court Order

Court orders can suck, especially because you have to accept a certain amount of give and take (i.e., you’re not going to get 100% of what you want).

I wasn’t thrilled about having one, especially since my ex could miss visitation and cancel all the time and no one would bat an eye – if I did, I was threatened with court.

However, the court order was a godsend because it did keep him accountable in many ways, especially since there were stipulations about how to communicate and what he was allowed to talk to me about.

Ultimately, there would have been no way that the two of us could come to any sort of agreement without one, simply because he would go out of his way just to defy me and argue with me.

So while I did have to give in to things I wasn’t happy about, I don’t regret having a court order.

10 Avoid Therapy

I left my ex while I was pregnant, and the narcissistic bullshit started right away – so I was post-partum, taking care of a newborn, and being threatened and scared on a regular basis.

I ended up with PPD and had to take anti-depressants just so I could take care of my child and get through the day.

I felt so alone because (at the time) I had no one else in my life that understood what I was experiencing.

It was when I started blogging about it that I began to see my situation more clearly and could navigate his behaviors while reducing the stress he caused on my life.

But that was a long journey and I often regret not talking to a therapist at the time to help me gain that perspective sooner.

If you can, talk to a therapist, even if you feel like you have things under control.

Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent is emotionally exhausting and while I hope these articles help, having someone who can listen to your unique situation and offer insight is invaluable.

11 Anticipate Crap Behavior

So, again, once I started blogging and understanding narcissism and co-parenting, I began to recognize his behaviors and their patterns.

Once I began to expect disruptions, broken promises, threats, and attempts to make me look bad, I could prepare myself mentally and weather the storm.

Before that, everything he did sent me into a tailspin of fear and stress.

By preparing for your narcissistic ex’s crap behavior, you’ll feel less blindsided and more in control.

You can better prepare yourself to ignore their nonsense or respond to it in a non-emotional manner (thus not giving them what they want!).

12 Adopt a Parallel Parenting Approach

The more I learned about his behaviors and how to co-parent around them, I discovered what’s called Parallel Parenting.

In a nutshell, parallel parenting is a form of co-parenting where you basically parenting alongside each other while crossing paths as little as possible.

This involves all the things I’ve talked about in this post: minimizing interactions, not letting your ex upset you, and keeping your focus on your child.

If you want to learn more about parallel parenting, click here!

Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

Co-parenting with a narcissist is far from easy, but it doesn’t have to consume your life.

The more you practice things like biting your tongue and not defending yourself, the less you’ll notice your ex having an effect on your life.

Eventually, you may even be able to laugh to yourself about their nonsense instead of stressing about it!

Just remember that the goal is not to “win” against your ex, it’s to minimize their negativity in your life so that you can create a loving and stable environment for your child. <3

Looking for more co-parenting help? I’ve got you covered with these posts! Check them out:

• Co-Parenting 101
• Co-Parenting With a Narcissist
• Co-Parenting Boundaries to Keep Your Sanity
• How to Put Your Kids First While Co-Parenting