When you break up with a partner, it’s normal for bad feelings to float around for a bit. But when things don’t settle, and you find your ex being manipulative and controlling, you may be dealing with a narcissistic co-parent.

Especially if there are patterns of concerning and toxic behavior.

Look, people get bitter after a break up and they lash out. It’s a crappy thing to do, but it’s a dark part of human nature to hurt those who hurt us.

But when you’re ex is consistently doing harmful things, twisting situations, and trying to manipulate you to do what they want, that’s not bad feelings. That’s a pattern of control.

And a huge sign you’re dealing with a narcissistic co-parent, which is a whole special breed of co-parent.

I write a lot about how to deal with narcissists and narcissistic co-parents, but knowing for sure if you’re dealing with one is the number one step.

To be honest, I floundered when I first started co-parenting with my ex because I didn’t know what I was dealing with. I knew he was an asshole, but I thought maybe he’d mellow out after a while.

He didn’t. Not at all.

But it was once I found out I was dealing with a narcissist that everything seemed to click into place. I was able to better understand his behaviors, their function, and how to deal with them.

So, I’m going to help you out with that first step by going through ten signs that your co-parent is narcissistic:

1 They Use Their Child to Seek Ego-Boosting Attention

Toxic people often live by portraying a superficial image. They publicly display material possessions, their physical appearance, their job, and even their child in order to advertise how “awesome” they are.

Their child is seen as a trophy, and they use them in public and through social media to gain attention. When someone compliments the child, the toxic parent internalizes this as praise toward them.

2 It Is Always About Them

Most toxic people are self-absorbed and are only interested in their own thoughts and feelings. Everyone around them is irrelevant.

They don’t listen to their child’s feelings or necessarily care about them. How they make others feel does not register as important to them.

They may lie about illnesses or over-dramatize their experiences in order to gain attention and pity.

3 They Put Their Children Down

Toxic parents will often put their children down in order to raise themselves up. They lower their child’s confidence through insults in order to boost their own self-worth and maintain feelings of superiority.

Oftentimes, they will feel threatened by their child’s success and marginalize those successes through criticism and nitpicking. They will reject their child’s accomplishments.

They will also invalidate their child’s positive attitudes and emotions in order to make themselves feel better.

4 They Try to Live Through Their Child

Many toxic parents will try to live vicariously through their children and set expectations of their children in order to fulfill their own needs and dreams.

They raise their child to become an extension of their own personal wishes.

They will push their child, through high demands and pressure, in a direction that the child may not want to go in, such as specific activities they enjoy or once enjoyed.

When a toxic parent pushes their child into their own interests, they are not encouraging them to develop their own personality, dreams, and wishes.

And if they don’t abide by their parent’s wishes, or they do not perform to their standards, they are often punished or degraded.

5 They Lack Empathy

Many toxic parents completely lack empathy because they only care about their own thoughts and feelings. They are unable to understand why other people feel or think the way they do.

In fact, they don’t even try to understand how their child is feeling and will invalidate their child’s feelings.

Instead of comforting an upset child, for example, they will question the emotion:

“Why are you crying?”

They can’t wrap their heads around why their child would be upset – unless something blatantly injurious happened, like a cut or a scrape. Otherwise, they can’t put themselves in their child’s situation to understand where the feelings are coming from.

6 They Have Dependency and Co-Dependency Issues

Toxic people often have dependency issues when they expect their child to take care of them, even if the child is young and their other parent is in perfect health.

They may manipulate and guilt their child into prioritizing their needs, such as expecting their child to forego a social life in order to take care of them.

Co-dependency issues occur when the toxic parent tried to make their child remain dependent on them. They may do this by enabling the child’s underachievements, irresponsibility, or addiction.

They discourage independence in order to maintain control over their child.

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7 They Are Inflexible and Unstable

Toxic parents can easily switch from giving positive attention to being angry and abusive.

Most of the time, these behaviors are unpredictable. However, they are unlikely to change their behaviors because of their desire to control others.

They are rigid when it comes to how they expect their child to act and can be easily triggered. Yet, their reasons for being irritated are varied and unpredictable as well.

8 They Use Guilt to Manipulate Their Child

Nobody likes to feel guilty, but toxic people are usually adept at using guilt to manipulate their children while at the same time deflecting their own guilty feelings.

They will emphasize every single thing they do for their child and accuse the child of being ungrateful and do this in order to validate their own self-worth.

They also use their child as a scapegoat and blame the child for their own shortcomings. Instead of taking responsibility for their mistakes, they push the blame on their child.

Toxic parents may also use guilt and blaming to get what they want out of their child – whether that is dependency or to push their child toward their own dreams, as mentioned above.

9 They Are Neglectful

While some toxic parents smother their children with (negative) attention, some are so self-absorbed that they completely ignore the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs of their children.

To a toxic parent, everyone else is usually unimportant, and they focus primarily on themselves.

This is because their own self-interests are more exciting than dealing with their child.

This often leads toxic parents to only associate with their child if it serves a purpose, such as gaining attention and praise.

10 They Construct a False Self and a False Life

Toxic parents often pretend to the world that they are the perfect parent and use image and pretense to elicit envy from others.

In this case, they present their child as an object, not a human being. It’s never “My child is awesome!” – it’s usually “Look at what I’ve created.”

They show off their child as an extension of themselves and take all the credit for how their child has turned out.

Signs of a Toxic Parent: My Ex Ticks The Boxes, So What Do I Do?

Give your child what they will never receive from their toxic parent.

The best you can do is model for them love, safety, and stability. By constantly filling in the holes left by their other parent, you can show them what an appropriate parent-child relationship is supposed to be.

Depending on your child’s age, it is difficult to explain to them exactly why their other parent acts the way they do.

It’s going to be hard, I know. There are days when you’ll want to lay it out for your little one and tell them what a garbage human their other parent is.

This will do your child no favors. Instead, offer a contrasting environment to the one they are experiencing with their other parent.

If you feel that your ex’s parenting is detrimental to your child, you can always have them assessed by a mental health professional.

In very extreme situations where abuse is suspected, you can involve your local child protection agency as well as the courts.